


Chasing the clouds

by Moonlight2211



Series: Changki Bingo [1]
Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternative Universe - College, Angst with a Happy Ending, Changki Bingo, Childhood Friends, Eventual Happy Ending, Eventual Romance, Eventual Smut, M/M, Possibly Unrequited Love, Rating May Change, Side!HyungHyuk, Tags May Change, age gap
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-14
Updated: 2019-02-27
Packaged: 2019-10-28 04:53:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 21,101
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17780945
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Moonlight2211/pseuds/Moonlight2211
Summary: “I always related you with the sky…When I was a five, I used to think my life was like the night, dark and lonely, only waiting for something good to happen someday. When I met you, I saw you as my moon, a full round one shining brightly in the dark night. For me you were that ‘something good’ I was waiting for, and without even trying, you became the light in my life. I needed you Kihyun, a lot.When I was ten, I started relating you with thesun. Always glowing, always bringing light into everyone’s life, not only mine. You were so brilliant and pure Kihyun, you attracted whoever you wanted only with your smile. When I looked at you I was almost blinded from how shiny you were. I admired you Kihyun, a lot.When I was fourteen I started relating you with the clouds. Always there, always standing out, I could appreciate your beauty every day and every night, but I couldn’t touch you. So unreachable for me. Every time I tried to get closer to you, you would dance away from me each time. And even like that, I loved you Kihyun, a lot.”





	1. The clouds

**Author's Note:**

  * For [BlueOrbit](https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlueOrbit/gifts).



> Soooo, I'm finally back posting a new work! I had one of the longest writer blocks in my life but I'm quite proud of this fic. Please tell me what do you think ♥♥☻
> 
> Also, I want to gift this work to a dear friend of mine ♥ Thank you for staying with me for such long time! I love you♥♥
> 
> Aaaand the Changki bingo is officially open!! (Yey!)
> 
> (LVL 2 card B: Childhood Friends)

When you’re ten years old, there’s a lot of stuff you don’t know or you don’t understand, feelings you’ll push to the back of your mind and never think about them again. When you’re ten years old your only worry is which friend you’ll play with or which house you’ll visit after school.  

For Changkyun, who had always been the curious type, didn’t like to be left with the doubt, he asked and asked until he got an answer of whatever he was confused about. A math problem, a word he didn’t understand or those conversations adults avoid when a kid’s around. 

For Changkyun, feelings were something he liked to name. He knew when he was happy or angry or sad, he knew when he liked or disliked something. He knew he liked ice cream after an intense football game and disliked his aunts’ hugs when they visited during holidays. He knew he was happy when he saw a good friend, one he hadn’t seen in a long time, he knew he was angry when his annoying uncle teased him about him having a crush on certain girl from school which he wasn’t even interested in and he knew well how sadness felt, especially after witnessed firsthand when his dad abandoned him and his mom when he barely could understand the whole situation around him. 

Changkyun knew a lot of things, he liked to think he was the smartest between his group of friends, but of course, there were a ton of things a ten years old would never understand. One of them was the hate he felt over  _ this _ girl. 

His mom always said he was in the age where every girl was annoying and scary. When a girl approaches him Changkyun would probably end running away or in plain completely ignoring her. But that wasn’t the case here, he was shy, yes, but for him girls were like another species, one that he’d probably have inappropriate thoughts about when he’ll be old enough. 

For him girls weren’t scary and he didn’t feel intimidated. 

And as the curious guy he was, he wanted to give a name to this very frustrating feeling. 

It wasn’t because  _ this _ girl was older, because he had met his friends’ sisters before and despite wanting them to go away he never felt this way about them. It’s not because she was beautiful because Changkyun doesn’t even find her  _ that _ attractive and Junior’s sister was a model, so she’s nothing compared to her. It wasn’t because she was doing something as she was literally just sitting in a sofa watching TV.  _ But Changkyun hated her. _

If Changkyun found a simple way to explain it, he was feeling like tremors were twitching his stomach, he wanted to shout and cry, he was pissed, really really pissed and wanted to run away, hide under his blankets and not come out until this girl disappeared from  _ his _ life. 

Maybe it wasn’t who she was or what she was doing, but instead what she represented and the specific attention she was stealing from him. 

“Kyunnie, she’s my girlfriend, say hi to Jiyeon.” Changkyun didn’t know what he was feeling but definitely the only thing he was desperately looking for was a way to get rid of it. (and her)

_ Kihyun _ . 

_ Yoo Kihyun.  _

_His_ _Kihyun_. 

And despite his confusion, when Kihyun smiled at her, when Kihyun kissed her cheeks or simply talked to her, Changkyun wanted to throw him a shoe at his handsome face. Because even if he was 5 years older than Changkyun, Kihyun promised to spend his free afternoons with him, playing with him, helping him with his studies, but instead he was with  _ that _ girl. Because Kihyun, more than a simple babysitter, he was his friend and the one he loved over anything else. 

But a ten years old Changkyun would confuse it with the jealousy for a toy that has been taken away and stolen from his hands, so those feelings were locked in the deepest side of his soul, haunting him every time Kihyun brought home a new girlfriend probably every two months for the next three years.

  
  
  


 

A thirteen years old Changkyun knew better. He knew Kihyun loved him, that the elder man would probably slash a hand for his sake without thinking about it twice, that Kihyun would give up on everything if that made Changkyun happy. He knew Kihyun thought of him as the little brother he always wanted but never had, as the cute little kid next door who needed all the love Kihyun would provided him with, but for Changkyun that love wasn’t good enough anymore. 

Some days, when Kihyun wasn’t busy with his exams and the other stuff ‘eighteen year old big boys’ would do, he’d drag Changkyun into his room, sometimes to show him a new game he got or simply to cuddle him until sleep came. 

Changkyun hated being called tiny and cute, but still he can’t say anything when he was still a head and half shorter than Kihyun, and that was saying a lot because Kihyun wasn’t tall himself or at least not in comparison with his classmates.  

Kihyun would tease him for hours, pinching his chubby cheeks because  _ ‘They’re too cute I want to bite them~’ _ and even if Changkyun would act as if he highly despised it and pushed him away shouting  _ ‘Hyung!! I’m already thirteen!’  _ He secretly loved those loving touches and the time Kihyun would spend spoiling him with kisses and hugs. 

That was until a day Changkyun entered Kihyun’s house without knocking on the door, already too used to spending his time in his house every Friday for the last 6 years. Maybe, just maybe, if he made himself known, he would have prevented a new heartbreak. 

Kihyun was there of course, but the place his girlfriends used to take away from Changkyun was now replaced with a guy at least 5 sizes bigger than him, shit, and they were kissing. Kihyun’s normally pretty porcelain face turned as pale as a ghost, as if his soul had left his body. He looked almost at the edge of panicking, staring at Changkyun with a worry he had never seen in the elder’s eyes.

And despite his young age, Changkyun knew what was going on, what two guys together was and what probably Kihyun would be doing if Changkyun didn’t interrupt him before. And the simple thought of someone taking Kihyun almost made him puke, his chest was hurting, and even if Changkyun was already used to the pain, this time was worse, almost intolerable “C-Changkyun, he’s Hyunwoo, He’s my-” Changkyun didn’t want to hear anything else and turned around ready to leave. 

At this young age, Changkyun may confuse everything and right now that was how he was. Confused and overwhelmed with all kinds of feelings. Kihyun liked guys… that made Kihyun gay… or bisexual actually. And that wasn’t what he hated, he hated the guy sitting with Kihyun in the place supposed to belong to Changkyun. That  _ that _ guy was taking everything Changkyun cared from him just in front of his eyes, that this guy was big enough to hold Kihyun, that Kihyun will probably lose himself between his arms, that this guy, this  _ man _ was completely capable to protect Kihyun, while Changkyun was still that cute little boy Kihyun would never take seriously. 

That he was that stupid thirteen year old kid with a crush on his neighbor.

Changkyun was running behind Kihyun with 5 years gap between them and no matter how much he tried to rush, Kihyun was at least 5 steps ahead of him. Metaphorically talking, of course.  

“Changkyun! Please stop.” – And without noticing Kihyun was already behind him catching the young boy between his arms. Changkyun blamed to his short legs for not being fast enough and his mind because even now he was expecting that Kihyun would come after him. At first Changkyun protested, but his small body had not strength to fight back. 

Changkyun always loved hugging Kihyun, hide his face in his chest and smell that calming, sweet and comforting scent the elder always had, but now it was the most sadistic torture - “I’m sorry you had to see that baby, please don’t hate me, I don’t know what would I do if you do.”

But what Kihyun didn’t know was that Changkyun would never hate him, Changkyun loved him, as much as an inexperienced teenager boy would love his first hopeless crush. And even if sounds stupid and cliché, big part of his heart belonged only and exclusively to Kihyun. 

“H-Him… w-will you replace m-me for him?” – Kihyun chuckled, muttering how cute a jealous Changkyun was, turning him around to gently grab his face between his hands so they can lock eyes. The touch was so intimate and Changkyun’s heart pounded uncontrollably against his chest. Maybe, just maybe, he had a chance. 

“Of course not dummy, you are and always will be my special boy.”

“B-but you l-love him? M-More than m-me?”

“Love comes is different ways Kyunnie, I love my mom and I love my friends, but those are two different kind of love, I love you and you know you’re the most precious person to me, but what I feel for you and what I feel for Hyunwoo is and  _ always _ will be different.” 

And Changkyun didn’t know if that just made everything even worse for him, because maybe that kind of love was what he was waiting from Kihyun. 

_ “Don’t compare yourself with anyone else, I already told you, you’re my special boy.” _

_ “I’m not even sure if I love Hyunwoo-hyung per say, we’re just trying this and we’ve been together for like two days.” _

_ “Of course I love you more, don’t even doubt that, dummy.” _

Kihyun dragged him inside his house again and for Changkyun’s displeasure the Hyunwoo guy was still there. When the taller man noticed them entering, he offered Changkyun the biggest and probably the sweetest smile. Maybe if Changkyun was the mature guy he sometimes pretended to be, he would have smiled back, maybe be nice with the person Kihyun liked but he was  _ that _ bitter and frowned, completely annoyed instead – “So you’re that kid Kihyun told me is in first place in his heart? Oww you know he told me I’ll always be second place?” – He laughed but Changkyun didn’t even react, was that supposed to be a joke? Because for him it was only the purest and the simplest truth. 

Kihyun, oblivious of the whole awkward atmosphere, sat on the sofa, pulling Changkyun to sit between them. The Hyunwoo guy tried to reach for his boyfriend and wrap his very strong arm around his shoulders, still with the younger in the middle, but Changkyun growled annoyed, pushing him away so he can cuddle with Kihyun instead. 

But no matter Changkyun’s little efforts, Kihyun would still turn to stare at that guy, smile sweetly to him and try to reach for his hand at least and Changkyun would look at Kihyun with an achy heart and ask inside him mind  _ ‘why can’t you look at me like that?’ _ . That day was a torture, probably for all three of them, especially to the young teenager boy who watched a movie trying to hide his tears and the way his heart pounded painfully inside its cage. 

Two days later Kihyun dropped Hyunwoo with the  excuse ‘I don’t like to be dominated’, whatever that meant. 

Peace once again ruled over the two childhood friends… after two weeks later when Kihyun introduced to him a guy called Yoongi, then one called Jihoon when the previous relationship didn’t work, then other and another and another one later, alternating between girls and boys. Every time the new person was small and cute, that seemed to be Kihyun’s type,  _ then why he didn’t like Changkyun? _

Changkyun can only blame his age. How he wishes he was born 5 years earlier.

  
  
  


 

_ ‘Kihyun’s leaving’  _ For a fourteen, almost fifteen years old Changkyun the news dropped like a bomb. He knew very well the day when Kihyun would graduate from high school would come and eventually leave for college, but just  because he knew it didn't mean it hurt any less. 

Watching Kihyun packing his clothes felt like a punch in the stomach. Changkyun didn’t want him to leave, 4 hours afar from him, from his friends and family. Why can’t Kihyun just stay and work for the next 4 years until he finishes high school? Changkyun thought, but that was so selfish and he can’t even voice his complains, Kihyun had dreams and the least he should do as his friend was support him. 

He saw how every piece of cloth fixed perfectly in his bag, his shoes, books, laptop, even the little stuffed hamster Changkyun gifted him for his last birthday. Changkyun looked around one more time, the room he spent probably most of his life was now almost empty, only the bed, Kihyun and him and the memories. 

Kihyun sat next to him in the bed, if he noticed his crystallized eyes, he didn’t mention it.  That was how Kihyun used to be, never pushing Changkyun to talk, never forcing him to share his mind until he was ready, but maybe this time the young boy was too obvious to even ask. 

Changkyun didn’t want Kihyun to see him like that, weak and vulnerable, so he turned around avoiding his intense gaze. Gentle hands came to stroke his black strands of hair, a soft touch that wasn’t unwelcome for the younger boy. Then the hands slipped to his cheeks, lovingly caressing the skin covered with the small acne Changkyun was very embarrassed about but Kihyun didn’t seem to care, or noticed that simple touch was doing inexplicable things to Changkyun’s heart. 

He knew the elder was asking silently for his attention, to turn around and meet his eyes for once, but Changkyun ignored it. Not only because he was now tearing up but also blushing with the sudden display of affection. Sadly for him Kihyun had never been the type of guy who accepts a no and grabbed his chin between his fingers, spinning his head lightly. He was smiling as always, but his eyes showed something Changkyun can’t decipher completely, regret, worry or maybe pain. 

They stared at each other for long seconds until Changkyun can’t hold it anymore and threw his whole body against Kihyun’s awaiting chest. Soft sobs broke the silence fallen between them but despite the fluids Changkyun would leave in his probably new shirt, Kihyun doesn’t seem to mind, wrapping his arms in a strong hold around Changkyun’s considerably smaller and slender figure.

“I-I don’t want you t-to l-leave.” – Changkyun’s pale face was blotchy red, the skin around his nose and eyes were rubbed rosy with neglected tears still clinging to long, dark lashes, and his lips were just as puffy as his eyes with a little pout he knew Kihyun was weak for. 

Kihyun stared at his face, too close for Changkyun’s sanity but still unable to move away, losing himself into those addictive brown eyes. The elder smiled and Changkyun drove his sight to those beautiful pink lips. Finally realizing what he was doing he abruptly turned to glance at the other side of the room, at the door, everywhere but at Kihyun. 

“I don’t want to leave either, I don’t want to leave  _ you _ , Kyunnie.” – The now recently-dyed brown haired man finally said. Never was his intention to look so surprised, so shocked, but he can’t deny Kihyun’s words fluttered something inside him. Kihyun chuckled and kissed his very tempting nose, the skin turning dark red with the sudden contact - “Don’t look at me like that, do you think I want to leave my special boy behind?”

_ “Don’t see this as a ‘goodbye’ but as a ‘see you later’, I’ll probably come every free weekend really, and every holiday for sure.” _

_ “It’s not going to be the same but I’m going to try my best, I don’t want to miss seeing my special boy growing into a handsome man.” _

_ “I’ll miss you too Changkyunnie.” _

And while Kihyun drawn little circles around his back, Changkyun found peace in his words. This wasn’t the end, and maybe this wasn’t a beginning either, just a step more in their life they needed to take. 

“Aww baby, don’t cry, you’re breaking my heart.”

“I’m not a baby, I’m almost fifteen, hyung!”

“Aww, does big baby Changkyun want to go to a party with me tonight?”

Changkyun wasn’t fond of parties or crowds in particular but if that meant being more time with Kihyun before his departure, then he didn’t see any harm to a bit of loud music and annoying graduated guys around.

  
  
  


 

Well, saying ‘it’s okay, the party was fun’ was a complete lie. As he predicted Kihyun didn’t allow him to drink a bit of alcohol, let aside cigarettes and he knew some of them were trying drugs (It’s not like Changkyun wanted to try anyway). He met some of Kihyun’s school friends, a guy called Minhyuk and other called Hyungwon, and the Hyunwoo guy, and Hoseok, Jaebum and Jinyoung and probably tons of people more whom he won’t remember the next day anyway. There were a lot of Kihyun’s ex-partners too. Some female (and even males) classmates tried to pinch his cheeks and hug him but Changkyun protested with all his strength  _ ‘Damn, I’m not cute!’  _

Now, late at night Changkyun was dragging a very drunk Kihyun out of the party. The elder man and remarked ‘elder’ was singing or at least trying to sing a popular song from a girl group Changkyun didn’t remember the name, too busy trying to catch him every time Kihyun stumbled. If he didn’t really love him, the younger would have left him in a bench in the nearby park, but shit, Changkyun really really loved him and maybe more than a simple teenager crush. 

“ _ Ahh tharanghaeee uhh uhhh” _ \- Kihyun leaned his whole weight against Changkyun’s side, wrapping his arm around his shoulders to keep himself up. The younger would have cherished such moment together… if Kihyun wasn’t so incredibly embarrassing. He seriously wanted to hide under a rock and pretend he didn’t know a Yoo Kihyun – “Wuuuuuuuu thaaaat’s maaaa soooong!!”

“Hyung!! It’s one in the morning, shut up!!” – Changkyun hissed, not half as annoyed as he was feeling. Kihyun glanced at him but completely ignored his words.  _ ‘Kihyun’s frustrating when he’s drunk’ _ Changkyun made a mental note for futures references. Next time the elder invites him to a party Changkyun will stay home and read a fucking book. 

Kihyun wasn’t tall, he’s not very build either, but Changkyun was starting to feel the weight getting heavy against his back and the elder moving drunkenly, jumping and dancing wasn’t helping either. The black haired rested Kihyun against a tree to catch his breath, suddenly his youth wasn’t enough to carry an overexcited Kihyun. 

Kihyun was too quiet. That was what Changkyun noticed after few seconds of silence, no complains or singing, and he wished he could ask what was happening inside his elder friend’s mind, nothing wrong or that was what the big grin in his face said. 

_ ‘Kihyun’s beautiful’  _ Changkyun was very aware of his friend’s handsomeness since the very  beginning but with the moonlight breaking through his hair and lighting up his face, made him look almost unrealistic. His pale skin almost glowing, his dark eyes seemed to have the whole galaxy dancing in them, and those prominent but very cute cheeks tinted with a pretty red just made him look adorable. 

Changkyun’s heart flipped when he felt the elder’s hands cupping his face and their noses rubbing together, something Kihyun loved to do since Changkyun was still a kid. At first he didn’t mind, he even liked it, but now with those feelings growing inside him, the younger wished Kihyun would stop, so maybe the whole zoo dancing crazily in his stomach would calm down. 

“I know you’ll grow to be a gentleman, Changkyun.” – Right now Kihyun didn’t sound as drunk as the younger thought he was. Kihyun was smiling widely so Changkyun mirrored his smile, feeling satisfied with his sudden compliment, despite he didn’t know where that came from.

“I want to be the kind of gentleman you’ll look for, hyung.” 

_ ‘I want to be that gentleman you’ll fall in-love with’ _ unspoken truth Changkyun preferred to lock inside his mind once again. 

  
  
  


 

Dragging Kihyun to his house and bed wasn’t as difficult once exhaustion got the best of him. Kihyun was like a kid and once he touched the softness of the mattress he fell asleep almost immediately. 

Changkyun sat in the bed next to him, trying to catch his breath so he can go home, but something attracted his attention, something he always loved but never dared to stare  at, Kihyun’s beautiful sleeping face. Changkyun’s trembling hands traveled to shyly touch those cute cheeks with such care and love he always had inside, his heart beating wildly with the simple, meaningless touch. He wondered if those feelings, the nervousness, the happiness and those jumps inside his chest every time he saw the elder man were something he’ll ever feel for another person in a future, or maybe if someday he’ll be capable to look at Kihyun as only his friend or maybe if their friendship will suffer a big damage if Changkyun gets enough guts to finally confess. 

And the younger boy thought no matter how many kilometers were between them, when Changkyun would look at the sky and those shiny stars, he’ll remember Kihyun, his eyes, his smile and their moments together. 

Changkyun knew what he was doing was wrong. That he should have left as soon as Kihyun was safe in his bed, but only once he wanted to be selfish and those pink lips were too beautiful to stop himself. The lip lock was fast, almost as if it didn’t happen at all but for Changkyun that was everything. ‘ _This is so wrong, this is so_ _wrong’_ he repeated inside his mind but it felt so _good_ , so _right_.  

Changkyun got up of the bed fast, ready to leave before he did something he’ll surely regret later, the last thing he wanted was Kihyun hating him for taking advantage when he was vulnerable, but a hand around his wrist stopped him and Changkyun felt like fainting,  _ ‘holy shit he was awake?!!’ _ – “Stay.”

And before Changkyun can say something back, a stronger force pulled him into the bed and right between Kihyun’s arms. And despite the warnings his brain was giving him, Changkyun allowed himself to lose between the comfort of Kihyun’s warm, to lose inside those beautiful brown eyes and to lose every common sense he still had. 

Kihyun was so close, their faces were only few inches apart, feeling his breath hitting his lips and the sweet scent of his hyung invading all his senses, feeling the warmth of Kihyun’s hand softly caressing his cheek, and it suddenly seemed like thinking was too difficult. Thinking about how wrong this truly was or the consequences of it. That Kihyun didn’t mean anything with this and that he didn’t love him in the way Changkyun loved him. That Kihyun was drunk and this was so so wrong. That Changkyun shouldn’t allow this to happen, but at the same time, anything else didn't seem to matter right now. 

It was like all Changkyun was capable of was  _ feeling _ and although he didn't understand it, it felt really, really nice to just  _ feel _ and worry about nothing else that didn’t seem important anymore, because nothing else mattered but this moment, the man lying next to him and the way Kihyun’s lips felt pressing against his, as if miles of fireworks were exploding inside his stomach and right now that was everything Changkyun seemed to care about.

Changkyun wouldn't know what he would do if he lost this, lost Kihyun, their friendship and the past moments and future ones he’s planning to share with his elder friend. Because Kihyun was the most important person for Changkyun and he’ll always be. He couldn't imagine learning to live without him, without his warmth, without his comforting words, without those arms holding him when he needed it, and the sound of his heart beating when Changkyun can’t sleep and lay his head against his chest.  Kihyun meant the world to Changkyun, but even the world is too small to describe how big his feelings for Kihyun were -  _ "I love you." _

It took Changkyun a moment to realize he spoke those words out loud. He had just whispered them ever so softly against Kihyun's lips. Hoping the elder didn't hear him, Changkyun quickly pressed his lips harder against Kihyun's in an effort to distract him from the words he had just uttered. 

And Kihyun kissed him with such care, with such love and just was impossible to Changkyun to think Kihyun didn’t mean anything with this kiss. 

Now Changkyun felt as if he was a step closer to be 4 steps far from Kihyun and even if it’s not much, Changkyun felt great. 

 

 

**~*~**

 

 

“Young man, we’re already here.” – Changkyun wakes up with a hand shaking lightly his shoulder. He opens unwillingly his eyes and looks around completely lost, where is he? Where is Kihyun? Where—oh right, he was dreaming. 

A memory actually, a beautiful but still painful memory, it feels like it has been forever since that day but it’s only been 6 months since Kihyun moved to Seoul to start his studies and now Changkyun’s here too. A part of him is happy to meet his long time crush, but the other one, considerably bigger, is fear for his reaction. Changkyun never told him he was visiting the campus… he doesn’t even know how to get  _ there _ , but that’s nothing that good directions can’t help.   

Changkyun looks up at the bus driver and smiles, thanking him. He doesn’t know when he fell asleep or why he was dreaming about his bittersweet moments with Kihyun, but maybe it’s the universe telling him something – “Hey, are you okay, kiddo?”

Changkyun doesn’t know why he’s asking, he’s fine, nervous but perfectly fine - “Yes, I’m fi-” – Then he feels the tears running down his face and dries them embarrassed. He hasn’t cried for a dream in  _ years _ . He’s not a baby anymore, he’s fifteen years old for fuck’s sake – “I’m fine, just missing someone.” – He offers the old friendly-looking driver a smile and Changkyun swears he sees him cooing internally. 

“Aww, young love.” 

Changkyun rolls his eyes, thanks him once more and climbs down the bus.

Changkyun touches his lips, remembering that night as if it was yesterday. Just a soft but long kiss, his first kiss, and it was with Kihyun. The next day the elder man didn’t know where he should hide, he felt as the most perverted man in history for kissing… quote: ‘the cutest kid in the world’ Kihyun’s words not his, and only after assuring him that everything is okay and that ‘of course not hyung, you won’t go to jail’ the elder man finally relaxed. If Kihyun remembered his confession he didn’t mention it. Changkyun at first didn’t know how to feel, happy because his feelings are still a little secret for Kihyun, or sad for exactly the same reason. But there also exists the little possibility Kihyun remembers and just didn’t say anything, because that day he acted more affectionate towards him, even kissed Changkyun goodbye, just a little peck but that meant the world to him.  

However, Changkyun has to know if he has a chance or not. Today is  _ the day _ . And he can’t go back without a proper answer. 

He  _ needs _ to know, and needs to know  _ now _ . 

Changkyun asks how to get to the university to some passing police officers, shop owners and passersby but at the end decides a cab is the best option. Fuck the big city with all those streets and corners and ‘passing the bakery, across the bank and turn right’ when there are millions of bakeries, miles of banks across the entire city, and he said right or left? 

Kihyun’s university is closer than he thought and almost panicking, he reaches the entrance. Changkyun knows Kihyun’s staying in the dorms, but now, where are they? And how does he get there? It’s almost 8 in the evening so he bets Kihyun’s already in his bed, should he call him? Or ask for him to some students? 

He decides for the first one. It’s the best if he only tells Kihyun right away, he’ll eventually find out anyway, so better sooner than later… and not because the other students’ gazes are quite uncomfortable and are intimidating him.  _ ‘Yes he’s a high school boy and it’s not their problem why he is here.’ _

Taking his phone out of his pocket, Changkyun notices a far away cotton pink hair standing out between all those students. Like a little flower among a river only of inky blackness. At first Changkyun thought that was a very weird color to dye someone’s hair, but as the weird guy got closer he recognized him. It’s Kihyun, and the most shocking isn’t his hair but the person next to him. He barely remembers Kihyun introducing him back then in the party. Kihyun’s happy, laughing at whatever the other man is telling him, arms interlocked together and suddenly Changkyun’s world is crashing. 

He knew those kisses meant nothing to Kihyun and he doesn’t even know why he thought he had a chance. The person next to Kihyun doesn’t seem his type, tall and with big muscles. He reminders Changkyun of Kihyun’s first boyfriend, someone who could hold him and protect him and right now Changkyun never felt more useless. Of course Kihyun wouldn’t wait for him… Does Kihyun even think about Changkyun as a possible prospect of boyfriend at all? Or at least as a man? 

And before he could run away and pretend he wasn’t here in first place, Kihyun notices him there, standing awkwardly in the university’s entrance. Kihyun looks surprised, maybe a bit angry but Changkyun doesn’t stay to hear him say the words he knows he’ll say. He’s just a stupid fifteen years old kid with a silly crush after all. 

  
  
  


 

Changkyun doesn’t understand why running away in the rain is romantic in the movies. He’s all wet, cold, slipped and almost fell twice and definitively his lover (or Kihyun in this case) isn’t chasing after him. 

At the end he just came here to receive a new heartbreak and get drenched. He doesn’t know when it started to rain or why he’s not walking to the bus stop right now, maybe because he’s very lost or maybe because the little hope he’s still clinging onto wishes Kihyun would be here and take him home. 

And Changkyun chuckles bitterly remembering the first time he met his forever crush. It was casually raining like today and a 6 years old Changkyun was in the park nearby to his house. That day he fell from the bicycle and had blood all over his little legs and arms. He couldn’t get up and walk home or at least ask for help because the park was completely empty. He felt so helpless that day, so lonely because his dad used to be the one taking him to the park and helping him if he needed something, but he was gone. Changkyun was so sad that day and just wanted to cry under his sheets. Then the figure of a quite-small-but-still-taller-than-Changkyun guy came straight to his sight, he was running with the umbrella still closed in his hand. The first thing Changkyun thought was how stupid he was for getting all wet having something to cover at least his head.

But Kihyun didn’t care and worried sick, he helped little Changkyun to get up – “Are you okay?” – He remembers Kihyun asked, he was quite handsome even at such young age, and it was cute, despite both of them knowing Changkyun clearly  _ wasn’t _ okay, the younger still nodded only because he wanted to impress this guy.

At the end Kihyun carried him home, with little Changkyun holding the umbrella for both of them. It wasn’t a surprise for any of them or his mom when the doctor said Changkyun broke his leg and after that day Kihyun spent almost all his afternoons taking care of Changkyun.

And Changkyun wonders if Kihyun would come running to him once again this time. 

The clock clicked and still Changkyun’s under the rain. The weather doesn’t seem to clear anytime soon and it’s getting late for him to get home. Seoul and his little hometown are still 4 hours apart and he thinks it’s almost 10pm. 

When Changkyun decided to come here, he didn’t think up a plan to get home after talking with Kihyun, he hoped the elder would allow him to spend the night with him and maybe sleep together, regardless the answer Changkyun would get. After paying the cab Changkyun doesn’t think he has enough money for even a cheap motel (not that someone will allow a child spending a night in a motel though) and definitively the bench he’s sitting in the park doesn’t sound very tempting to sleep. What should he do? Should he-

“Hey kid, you okay there?” -  Changkyun yelps, startled for the voice coming right above him. He didn’t notice at all the boy approaching him and covering him with his umbrella. And the teenager boy almost thinks he’s hallucinating because  _ wow _ , this stranger looks like a fairy prince with his white hair – “Oh, aren’t you Kihyun’s ‘special boy’ or whatever he’s always calling you?”

“I- I don’t know anymore.” – Changkyun turns back to stare the floor, he doesn’t want the good-looking stranger notices his tears, especially because he seems to know Kihyun. 

“You definitely are, I can’t confuse you, Kihyun has a big picture of you two in his room.” - Changkyun frowns, who is he and what he was doing in Kihyun’s room? – “I’m Minhyuk and I’m his messy roommate.” – The elder explains as if he was reading his mind and Changkyun feels strangely relieved, he doesn’t know why when he knows Kihyun already has a new guy – “And you definitely are Changkyun and you’re his special boy, we met in our goodbye party.”

“Hmm.” – Changkyun hums in acknowledgment but still doesn’t remember the boy. He definitely would remember a hair like his. 

“What are you doing here? Are you lost? Do you want me to take you to Kihyun?”

“No!” – Changkyun shouts, scaring Minhyuk a little bit. Minhyuk’s gaze immediately softened, staring at him with such sincere pure eyes. 

“I see, I don’t want to see him either.” – Minhyuk chuckles nervously. The younger suspects he did something wrong and he’s scared of Kihyun. Which is not very difficult to believe, Kihyun’s scary when he’s angry – “But I can’t leave you here, I’ll be dead meat tomorrow if Kihyun finds out.”

Changkyun allows the handsome stranger to pull him into his feet and drags him out of the park, in direction to the university again. Minhyuk’s coat and arm end around Changkyun’s shoulders, trying to bring some warm to his cold body. Changkyun appreciates it, he really does, but he wishes it was Kihyun’s instead. Is he even looking for Changkyun? 

  
  
  


 

Minhyuk and Kihyun’s dorm is cleaner than he anticipated. It’s almost unbelievable two university guys are living here, especially when Minhyuk introduced himself as his ‘messy roommate’. 

The dorm isn’t a lot, just two beds across each other, two desks, two lamps and what he thinks is Minhyuk’s side, walls decorated with a boy band he doesn’t recognize and a lot of stuffed animals, a little kitchen and a door he guesses is the bathroom. He notices the small hamster Changkyun bought for Kihyun laying in his bed and he finally feels something warm inside…  _ ‘It’s just brotherly love’  _ something in his mind says and how much he wishes he could disagree, but that’s only the truth. 

Minhyuk’s back in front of him with a pair of sweatpants and an oversized sweater he knows belong to Kihyun. Well, the sweater isn’t  _ that _ ‘oversized’, curse his small height. The elder doesn’t wait for Changkyun’s answer and pushes him inside the bathroom, shouting at him to take his time. 

As much as the warm water feels so good, he wants to leave before Kihyun returns home… the problem is where. He doesn’t think buses are working anymore and even if they are, how will he arrive home at 4am? Should he borrow money from Kihyun’s roommate and stay in a hotel? Wait… is Minhyuk calling Kihyun?  _ Holy shit, he never thought about that. _ As fast as he can, Changkyun bathes and dresses, ready to throw Minhyuk’s phone in the toilet if he did. 

  
  
  


 

Behind the door, Minhyuk contemplates calling Kihyun and dragging him out of his misery or makes him stay out looking for Changkyun in the rain a little bit longer. After the sad face the little kid had, Minhyuk swears he wants to kick his roommate between his legs. 

And after long minutes of deliberating Minhyuk chooses life and calls Kihyun. 

  
  
  


 

It doesn’t take Changkyun long to exit the bathroom, sighing relieved seeing the room lacking of certain pink haired man. Minhyuk’s preparing something in the little kitchen, smells like chocolate and Changkyun’s mouth waters with the simple thought. The teenage boy clears his throat to attract the elder’s attention to him and rolls his eyes when Minhyuk starts to coo at him - “Oh my god, you’re like, really small, why are you so cute?!!!”

“I’m not cute! I’m fifteen!!!” 

“Why didn’t I find a cute guy like you when I was fifteen?!! I bet you’re popular!” – Changkyun’s everything but popular – “I want to hug you! Can I?”

“No.”

“No fun!” 

As suspected, the elder man puts a cup of hot chocolate on the little island and motions  for Changkyun to sit there and as tempting as the idea sounds, the teenager boy knows he should leave before Kihyun arrives home. 

With his clothes in a plastic bag and a heart beating painfully, he excuses himself to go. Minhyuk stares worriedly at the boy and follows him fast to block his way to the door – “No, you won’t leave with this weather!”

“Listen, thank you so much for helping me before, but you don’t need to worry about me, you barely know me!” – Waiting for his harsh words to piss the older man off so he can  kick him out, Changkyun walks again but to his surprise, Minhyuk stops him once more, now with bigger determination. 

“You’re right, I barely know you, but I’ve known Kihyun for years and you’re someone important to him, how can you pretend I’d let you go outside, raining and with all the dangers of the big city?”

“You just need to pretend I wasn’t here! I shouldn’t have come at all!” – And Changkyun doesn’t notice the tears streaming down his face, so embarrassing, crying once again over a dumb crush in front of said crush’s friend? But Minhyuk doesn’t seem to mind and encloses him in a tight hug. Changkyun’s rosy cheeks explode in embarrassment being held by a strange man, but the hug strangely comforts him.

Still he wishes Minhyuk was Kihyun.

And Minhyuk will definitively kick Kihyun at least once after he arrives home. 

Speak of the devil and he shall appear they say. Kihyun opens the door, drenched from head to toe and with an infuriated face Changkyun’s terrified of. The young teenager, despite seeing Kihyun angry multiple times, he has never been on the  receiving end of those feelings. Kihyun always had a smile when Changkyun was around but that seems to be an old memory by now. 

Kihyun skips two steps and is now towering over Changkyun. The later feels so small and defenseless despite Minhyuk’s arms still around his shoulders – “WHY THE FUCK DID YOU COME AT THIS HOUR? WHY THE HELL DID YOU RUN AWAY WHEN I CALLED FOR YOU? WHERE WERE YOU AND WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE NOW?”

Kihyun pulls the younger far from Minhyuk’s grip and the white haired man frowns – “Kihyun, calm down before you say something you’ll--” – but Minhyuk’s words are interrupted with Kihyun’s infamous deadly glare. The elder shuts up and takes two steps backwards, throwing an apologizing glance at Changkyun. But the young teenager understands, his presence will only disturb Kihyun even more. Much to Changkyun dismay, he’s alone now. 

“ANSWER ME CHANGKYUN!”

“I needed to talk with you about something important, but that doesn’t matter now, I’m sorry, I’m leaving.” – Changkyun tries to break the painful grip Kihyun has in his shoulders but he’s shaking uncontrollably and his hands have no strength to even move. Kihyun doesn’t seem satisfied with his answer but at least his anger lowered a little bit, he’s still furious but at least he doesn’t look like he was about to commit murder right now. 

“So, what is so important you can’t even fucking call me to ask?!”

“No, it’s nothing really. I-I already had my answer, so please, let me go.” – Changkyun turns to stare at the floor, his eyes forming new tears now. And those memories of Kihyun holding his chin to make him look at his eyes seems as something that only happened in his dreams.

“Don’t come to me with that bullshit Changkyun! If you took a bus all the fucking way here to ask something, then ask! I’m not really in the best mood to be losing my time here with you!”

_ ‘Losing my time here with you.’ _ So Kihyun doesn’t care at all what Changkyun’s feeling, he just doesn’t want to spend his precious time with Changkyun, maybe he just wanted to spend the night with his new conquest and Changkyun’s presence is just interrupting him. Suddenly a wave of jealousy boils inside his chest and gives him the strength he didn’t know he has, pushing Kihyun’s hands off of him and staring at the elder with fire in his eyes. Changkyun’s furious - “I came here to tell you that I loved you but who cares now?! You just look at me as a child and just go finding miles of lovers around!-”

“Because you are only a child Changkyun! What do you know about love?!”

“And you, hyung? What do you know about love? Changing lovers almost every month! I’m just a child but at least I know who I lov-”

“Changkyun! Just because you have this stupid crush on me doesn’t means you have any right to tell me with whom I can date! I can sleep with whoever I want!” -  And as if registering his own words, Kihyun shuts completely, regretting every syllable he said, maybe he should’ve listened to Minhyuk before. Those words feels as if dropping a bomb right into Changkyun’s heart, hurts, hurts too much and Changkyun can’t stop crying by now even if he tries. The lump formed in his throat makes it almost impossibly for him to talk back, maybe shout at the elder’s face or maybe hit him as much as he wants, but even if he does it, that won’t make the pain go away – “Changkyun, I’m so-”

And with the little strength he regains, Changkyun interrupts him – “You’re right hyung, I’ve known for years how hopeless my love for you was, I can accept you don’t feel the same but don’t look down on my feelings and labeled them as a mere crush because hyung, I really really love you, and I’m sorry for disturbing you tonight, I’m taking my leave now.”

“Changkyun-” – The honey-like voice which Kihyun called him almost feels as shooting an arrow through his heart, but Changkyun tries to be strong and walks away, slamming the door close when he’s out of the little flat. 

He knew this would end this way but still feels as if half of his heart has been ripped from his chest and that hurts too much. 

And the stupid tears won’t stop but at least they’re mixed together with the rain. 

  
  
  


 

“You’re an idiot Kihyun, the biggest idiot I’ve ever known!” – Minhyuk, who is usually a ray of sun, explodes in anger, about to hit the person he sometimes calls his best friend and if it wasn't because Kihyun looked at the verge of collapsing on the floor to cry, he would gladly hit him at least once.

“I’ll go after him-” – but before he can walk away, Minhyuk pushes back to the couch. 

“You’ve done enough damage.” – And closes the door behind him, hard enough to let him know how pissed he is right now… which it’s a lot so they suspect the whole building heard it. 

  
  
  


 

“Changkyun! Wait! Just wait!” – The teenager boy hears his new friend calling after him but right now he just wants to find a rock where he can hide. He doesn’t want to hear anything the elder wants to say, probably taking Kihyun’s side, or maybe Changkyun just doesn’t want to hear anything related to his long time crush anymore, trying to lock his feelings deep down in his soul and pretend they don’t hurt as much as they’re hurting him now, but it’s impossible.  

“I can see you!” – Damn his small height and noticeable frame once again. 

“Hyung, just go home, I’ll be fine.”

“You’re not the only one who doesn’t want to see that excuse of man again.” – Minhyuk growls, annoyed and Changkyun, despite his aching heart, smiles a little bit. 

“Don’t call him that, Kihyun’s precious.”

Changkyun waits for a teasing comment but all he receives is a sad smile – “I know you won’t believe me, but Kihyun adores you, he really really does, he’s just stupid and I know that doesn’t excuse what he said to you and that he should be the one here, but please don’t hate him.”

“I won’t.”

Minhyuk pats his head, still smiling as if the whole situation it’s something he can relate, as if he’s feeling what Changkyun’s feeling - “I suffered the same like you for years and as much I’ll enjoy telling you and as much I love the rain, I don’t want us to get sick.”

“I don’t want to go back there!”

“Ahh don’t worry, me neither.”

  
  
  


 

Minhyuk drags him to an apartment complex near to the university. It doesn’t look very expensive but at least it’s better than the dorms, which are horrible… or that’s what Minhyuk said. Seems like his childhood friend is living there and he wouldn’t have any problem with them staying the night. 

A second time that day, Changkyun’s all wet for the rain and outside of an unknown door – “Heeey Seokjin-hyung! It’s Minhyuk! Open the damn door!!” -  Minhyuk knocks a bit louder now after the two first times were ignored and a beautiful yet furious man appears in front of them, glaring at the white haired guy. Then his gaze shifts to the small and soaked teenager behind him and softened greatly, a little smile tugging his lips. Changkyun can feel a weird mom aura coming from him. 

“What the hell Minhyuk, do you know what hour it is? I should really punch you right now! Why don’t you just call Hyungwon instead? He’s the one who is your friend!” – Despite his words, Seokjin pulls the smaller into his apartment, letting the door open to Minhyuk to follow inside and walks around looking for a towel and dry clothes for the uninvited guests; it feels almost like a déjà vu to Changkyun. 

“Well, I won’t waste my time calling that frog, he won’t open the door for me anyway. Especially at this hour.” – The apartment’s owner smiles sadly at Minhyuk. Changkyun stares at the weird interaction between the two university boys but said nothing. Maybe it has something to do with what Minhyuk said to him before but he doesn’t want to pry and maybe piss his savior off. 

Once more he finds himself inside an unknown place with unknown people whom seem to know more about Changkyun than he’ll ever know about them – “You’re Changkyun, right?” – The younger nods, now… how this beautiful boy knows him? – “Kihyun--” – Changkyun doesn’t need to look behind him to know Minhyuk is signaling him to not mention that name, and he’s thankful, he really is – “I’m Kim Seokjin, but you can call me Jin-hyung.”

“Jin-hyung?” – The younger repeats only to be sure and the elder smiles, grabbing the towel to help him dry his hair.

“That’s right, little one.” – He coos, and as much the younger detests being called ‘little’ Changkyun doesn’t find the strength or the heart to say something back. The taller is looking at him with such adoration, as if he’s happy Changkyun is there… or he just loves kids too much. 

“Can we spend the night here, hyung?” – Minhyuk asks, now wearing the clothes Seokjin brought for him and drying his own hair. 

Seokjin raises an eyebrow and for some seconds the two men have a silent conversation Changkyun doesn’t understand, or try to, his mind still flying to Kihyun’s dorm and the words he said, his heart clenching painfully with those touches coming from a stranger but still seem so familiar. Kihyun used to dry his hair like that and scold him because Changkyun’s always forgetting his umbrella - “Ah yeah, of course.” – The elder finally agrees, grabbing Changkyun’s cheeks between his warms hands – “This little guy here can sleep with me~  You go and try to sleep with Hyungwon, or on the floor in fact-” 

“So, I’m sleeping on the couch-”

“Why the hell hyung, I want to sleep- oh, hi Minhyuk.” – Changkyun swears he’s not imagining the blush creeping up Minhyuk’s cheeks, but who is he to judge? This new guy, Jin’s roommate he guesses, is really pretty in a turtle-ish kind of way. Changkyun glances to Seokjin, who is smirking, as if he’s ready for tease the two younger university students. It’s kind of cute, the shy interaction between them, and maybe this kind of distraction is what Changkyun needs to not start crying right there in the middle of the living room. 

“Oh hi, Wonnie-Wonnie, sorry for waking you up.”

“You can go back to sleep now Hyungwon, and take Minhyuk with you.” – Minhyuk’s eyes go round with Seokjin’s words but Hyungwon doesn’t mind, taking the white haired man’s hand and dragging him to his room, leaving Changkyun alone with the elder after wishing him goodnight. 

“Idiots in love.” – Seokjin snorts, but chuckles nevertheless – “They’re more interesting than any of my k-dramas.”

“I thought Minhyuk-hyung has an unrequited love, he just told me something like that.” 

“Nah, he’s just oblivious as fuck.” – Changkyun’s happy for him. He has just met the white haired boy for few hours but he can say Minhyuk’s a good person, a little ray of sun. Changkyun cheers for his happiness – “Now, is there anything I can do for you? A tea? Or want to watch TV? Or maybe… talk?”

“I’m… I’m okay, T-Thank you.” 

“For someone who claims to be okay I can tell you’re at the edge of crying.” – Changkyun spins around to avoid his gaze, embarrassed how he is an open book even for someone who met him barely few minutes ago – “I won’t ask don’t worry, but if you need a hug… well, my boyfriend says I’m huggable but he’s biased.”

Changkyun chuckles a little bit, immediately letting the taller man embrace him. The younger can barely reach for his shoulders, he feels so small in his arms but at the same time he can perfectly hide in the other’s chest… and cry. And despite not feeling comfortable enough with Seokjin to share his painful memories about his unrequited love, he lets the man comfort him. 

The smaller doesn’t remember going into his designated room and his bed, but still in the other man’s arms, he tries to fall asleep. The only sounds in the room are Seokjin’s little snores, Changkyun’s phone vibrating in the nightstand with the name of Kihyun in the screen and his little discrete sobs. God, it hurts, hurts too much and his little body and his little heart can’t handle it anymore.

  
  
  


 

Hyungwon and Minhyuk insist to accompany him to the bus stop. The white haired man looks a bit happier than the previous day, and now he’s trying his best to cheer Changkyun up too.  Minhyuk buys him a hamburger and a little stuffed puppy ‘because he looks like you’, he says. 

The ride to his hometown is torturously slow, especially when all Changkyun wants to do is hide in the comfort of his blankets and maybe cry until he has no more tears...Shit, he needs to grow up! That’s why Kihyun doesn’t love him. 

During the whole day Changkyun has ignored Kihyun’s calls and texts, he doesn’t want to hear his voice because he knows he’ll break, he doesn’t want to know what those texts say because he’ll forgive everything Kihyun said, that’s how weak he is and how much he still loves Kihyun. 

Thankfully his mom is at home when he arrives. She stares worriedly at her only son and walks fast to hug him – “My baby boy, what happened?”

“Nothing mom. I’ll accept the scholarship.”

“Seoul?”

Changkyun shakes his head – “U.S” 

  
  
**~*~**

 

Changkyun can’t say watching his mom, Jungkook, Jimin and Taehyung crying when he was boarding the plane didn’t break his already aching heart. He’ll miss his family, his friends and the life he had until now. He can’t say everything was perfect but he can’t say everything was bad either. He’ll cherish those beautiful moments he had with them, and those beautiful memories he’s dragging with him to United States. 

Thanks to his good grades, two private schools offered him a full scholarship with dorm included, one in Seoul where Kihyun’s staying and the other on the far side of the world. 

Changkyun chose U.S. 

Changkyun chose a new life. 

Changkyun chose leave everything behind. 

Now staring at the beautiful blue sky and those big clouds, birds flying here and there, Changkyun gets lost in thoughts. He never said goodbye to Kihyun, he actually never told him he was moving away. He feels bad but he can’t blame himself either, that was what he wanted to talk with him after confessing, not that any of that mattered anymore anyway. 

The wait will be long and before he tries to sleep Changkyun takes his phone to finally reply to any of Kihyun’s messages… which are a lot. 

It’s been two days since their…  _ dispute _ , and Kihyun has been texting him nonstop. Changkyun sighs. He knows Kihyun loves him and worries about him, it’s just… not enough. Everything is clear now, that 5 years gap between them will never be shortened, Changkyun will always be the little kid and Kihyun will always be 5 steps ahead of him. At least he’ll remember their first kiss forever. 

Changkyun deletes first all his social media, Kakao, twitter and instagram, then opens a message and writes ‘ _ Goodbye hyung, even now I still love you’  _ Turns off his phone and destroy the memory card with all those photos he had with Kihyun. 

  
  
  


 

Twelve hours later he is lost in the U.S airport. Now that he is here, Changkyun feels as if even breathing is different, he feels so small in a place so big, people running here and there taking their luggage, some lovers meeting again, businessmen walking fast to catch a taxi and families in what seems to be a vacation, and Changkyun feels as if he can forget everything. 

Throwing his phone to the nearest trash can, Changkyun walks out the airport. 

New city, new life, new language, new school, new friends, new adventures, new memories, new clothes, new cell phone…

New love. 

 

**~*~**


	2. The sun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Epilogue coming soon!

The sun’s shining so beautifully over the city, the sky a clear blue without a single cloud marring the view. It’s mid-summer so the weather is too hot for his taste and the miles of people moving side to side around the airport is almost suffocating, but for Changkyun, this is the best day to go back home. 

It’s been four long years since he left Korea, but feels almost as if it was yesterday when a very insecure little boy was taking his first flight to a new world and now Changkyun feels as if he was reborn into a new man. Still, the little kid he still has inside can’t wait to run into his mom’s arms and meet  his friends again, he really missed them so much. 

“Hey kiddo, will you be okay by your own?” – Yoongi, one of the friends he made overseas, asks. Changkyun shakes his head but smiles between his annoyance nevertheless, no matter if this guy tries to act tough and as if he doesn’t care, he’s still a very protective hyung. 

“Of course I will hyung! I’m nineteen for fuck’s sake!”

“Younger than me, still a kiddo.” – Hoseok, who was rarely quiet behind Yoongi all this time laughs at Changkyun’s childish pout, something that hasn’t changed even through the years.

“Ah, I’ll miss you Kyunnie! You were like our baby!” – The slightly taller man envelopes him into a  _ tight _ hug rocking the younger side to side, and note  _ tight _ , as Changkyun feels like he can’t breathe, patting Hoseok’s back harshly to try and get the human-octopus off of him.

“Stop Hobi-hyung! You’re embarrassing me!” – Few people turned to glare at them in disgust and Changkyun becomes in a big tomato due to the sudden amount of unwanted attention they’re receiving now _ ‘Ugh, these hyungs!’ _

“Are you sure…”

“Yes hyung, I’ll be perfectly fine! I was born here remember? And my mom is coming for me, you have nothing to worry about, you can go to your…  _ ahem _ … dorm together.” 

Yoongi sighs still not completely convinced but nods anyway finally giving up. Sadly for Changkyun Hoseok is a little bit more difficult to convince but after a deadly glare from the elder he goes to pick up their luggage. Finally when the elder pair is ready to leave Changkyun stops Hoseok and whispers in his ear – “And remember, you’re going to ask him out  _ tonight,  _ hyung, I’ll wait for the good news tomorrow.”

Hoseok turns red from head to toe in a second but nods with a very optimist smile, jogging to catch with the grumpy man he calls the love of his life. Changkyun smiles affectionately seeing those two cutely interacting with each other. After giving up completely on love, his friends’ happiness became his only pleasure. 

Ugh, he already sounds like an old man and not a cute one.

Despite shoving his friends out, now that he’s alone in that huge unknown place Changkyun feels  _ so _ bored. His phone died long time ago and his mom doesn’t show any sign to be arriving anytime soon. Changkyun takes the opportunity to go and buy some food, thinks about walking through the whole airport but ends up at the entrance in the end because he doesn’t want to get lost… which would probably be the case if he moves from his actual spot.  So, he takes a long sip of his coffee, sighs and begs the heavens his mom would pick him up fast.

After fifteen minutes or so, a car he doesn’t recognize stops in front of him. At first Changkyun didn’t pay much attention, thinking the people inside would be picking someone else, but he completely panics when takes a second glance at the person walking – almost running- in his direction. 

It’s been a while but those  _ eyes _ , those  _ cheeks _ , that  _ smile _ , that  _ skin _ , those  _ arms _ , even those ripped old jeans and oversized sweater are something he can recognize even in his dreams. He doesn’t look so tall anymore after Changkyun grew over ten centimeters in the past years, and his hair isn’t pink either, now showing a very beautiful tone of purple. ‘ _ It suits him’ _ Changkyun thinks, every year he definitely becomes more and more beautiful, and that smile he was showing just resembles the sun, almost blinding Changkyun. 

“Changkyun!!!” – Kihyun doesn’t waste a millisecond to wrap his arms around Changkyun’s neck as soon as he’s close enough to do it, but the younger’s frozen in his spot, still not finding the strength to move his arms to push him away or hug him back as his heart’s screaming him to do – “God Changkyun I can’t believe I haven’t seen you in four years! FOUR Changkyun FOUR YEARS!!”

In theory it’s been three years and a couple of months, but his mouth isn’t working as well to at least contradict the elder. Christ above! Why is Changkyun so weak for someone he says he doesn’t love anymore? 

Kihyun takes a step backwards just to leave a little space between them only enough to look properly the younger’s face but is still holding Changkyun’s shoulders to keep him in place. Kihyun has probably the biggest and most beautiful smile Changkyun has seen in his life but he can’t find it in himself to smile back, still so shocked – “God look at you!! Changkyun you grew up so well!!”

Kihyun hugs him once again, but Changkyun’s heart starts beating in a fast speed now registering what’s happening right in front of his eyes  _ ‘Kihyun’s here, Kihyun’s hugging me, Kihyun’s here, Kihyun’s hugging me, Kihyun’s here, Kihyun’s hugging me, Kihyun’s here, Kihyun’s hugging me Kihyun’s here, Kihyun’s hugging me…’ _ He repeats inside his mind as a mantra, still not believing it himself. 

“I missed you, Kyunnie. I missed you so, so, so, much.” – The purple haired man nuzzles his nose against his sensitive neck and a wave of warmth runs through him  _ ‘He missed me, He missed me, He missed me, He missed me, He missed me, He missed me, He missed me, oh my god!’ _

Regardless their last encounter, Changkyun admits he also missed his older friend, a lot actually. Some days he would wake up asking if Kihyun was okay, what he was doing, if he already ate, if Kihyun also looked at the sky and every time he would see the stars, he would think about Changkyun. 

Because Changkyun definitely did, more nights that he could count actually. 

Trembling hands move hesitantly around the elder’s sides, trying to pull him closer and at the end he decides to give up his pride and hug him back, finally following his heart instead of his brain. But that simple movement is so difficult for Changkyun, breathing or even blinking become functions his body also forgot how to do,  _ he just can’t believe Kihyun’s right there. _

Except that before he can reach for his objective, a muscled figure appears right in his line of vision and Changkyun’s heart broke one more time. Which is funny because only a day prior he thought he was ready to face this, that his heart could be so damaged that it won’t feel anything else anymore, but fuck he  _ feels _ once again and he  _ feels _ how every piece he spent  _ years _ repairing is breaking little by little in one single second.  

Kihyun has a boyfriend and this time isn’t one of those dudes that only lasted two months maximum. It’s the same guy Changkyun saw him with on campus the day he decided to move away. Unbelievable they have lasted that long, so Kihyun’s very serious about this guy. Changkyun doesn’t know why this hurt so much when he swears his feelings have been buried in the deepest side of his soul since a long time ago.  

As if breaking the fantasy Changkyun was in his hands moves now to Kihyun’s shirt and pulls him away from his body completely, setting now a prudent distance between them and after long minutes Changkyun’s finally capable of breathing again.

“What are you doing here?” 

Kihyun and his boyfriend aren’t the only ones flinching at the cold tone he used, but also himself, his heart aching when all the happiness Kihyun had just seconds ago has been ripped harshly from his face, but he still hides everything so well under a fake masquerade. Changkyun’s really too tired at this point to bring himself to care anymore about Kihyun’s feelings. 

Or admit to himself that he actually  _ still _ cares. 

“I’m picking you up, your mom said…”

“I’m taking a cab.”

Changkyun takes his luggage and starts walking away, leaving behind two very confused men. At first Kihyun stays still, contemplating what should he do or if he  _ should _ do something at all, but something clicks in his mind and grabs Changkyun’s arm to drag him into the car.  _ ‘This is almost like a kidnapping!’ _

“Kihyun! I said…”

“ _ Shut. Up _ .” – The purple haired man growls in very annoyed tone, opening the door to push Changkyun inside, settling himself beside the younger in the backseat, much to Changkyun’s displeasure. His boyfriend climbs in the driver seat and after some seconds an awkward silence falls between the three boys.

Changkyun has seen Kihyun mad so many times, but this time is nothing compared with all those times. He’s very annoyed, the raven notices, but all those feelings are hidden behind all the sadness in his face – “You didn’t miss me at all?” – Changkyun needs to spin around and stares the landscape, that question sounded like a broken sob to his ears and that just increases his guilt.

Which is funny, he doesn’t have anything to be feeling guilty for.

_ But he does. _

“I  _ did _ miss you.” – Changkyun whispers so quietly that he’s not totally sure Kihyun heard but he won’t repeat it again, those four words took more energy than he would like to believe. 

Seems Kihyun caught what he said because the sudden tension between them dissipated a little bit. The elder takes his hand so lightly and shyly that Changkyun can’t bring himself to refuse his advances, and slowly plays with his fingers. The sudden act from the elder is so cute in the younger’s eyes, as if their ages had been reverted and now Kihyun’s the younger one between them. 

Changkyun dares to peek at him for a short moment, only to find Kihyun smiling so cutely with a slight, pretty blush adorning his equally adorable cheeks and looking down at their now interlocked hands. The sight alone makes Changkyun strangely happy and those annoying butterflies start to fly all over his stomach and chest. 

Changkyun wants to kill them all. 

None of them said a word for some long minutes and the younger decides to focus back on the road, letting the calming drive help him sleep or at least relax his aching muscles. Twelve hours in a plane is too much, even for him. 

Less than an hour later, Changkyun spins his head around to stare surprisedly at the boy he once called his best friend. He doesn’t know when Kihyun fell asleep or if he’s truly sleeping or just dozing, but the purple haired man’s head falls to rest in the younger’s shoulder, nuzzling to his side to get into a more comfortable position. The sudden display of adorableness makes him want to coo out loud and squeeze his slender figure. God, those years apart became Kihyun in a very adorable and huggable guy. At least in Changkyun’s eyes. 

For a single minute Changkyun forgets where he is and what is around them, it’s like everything around him has disappeared and the only thing that matters now is the boy right next to him. The younger’s heart picks up a fast pace once again but right now he doesn’t care anymore, using his free hand to brush a strand of his purple hair out of his eyes and drops his hand to his cheek to caress his pale skin. They are as soft as he remembered them to be. 

Ever since he met the boy that morning, Changkyun finally allows himself to stare properly at the reason for many of his sleepless nights for the first time in years. Kihyun’s as beautiful as he remembered him to be, or even more if he can say, and he doesn’t know why but he kissed the top of his head so gently and full of so many years of unrequited love, and that just feels so right but so wrong at the same time. 

“He didn’t sleep much last night.” – The guy sitting in front of him comments, dragging him back to reality. 

_ Kihyun didn’t, doesn’t, and won’t ever belong to Changkyun.  _

_ Kihyun belongs to  _ **_him_ ** _.  _

“I’m Hoseok by the way, I don’t think we were formally introduced before.” – Changkyun hums, not caring to even reply back to the very handsome (he admits) guy trying to start a conversation with him. The raven thinks bitterly to himself that this guy didn’t just steal Kihyun but also his friend’s name.

He’s in the mood to be sour with everything and everyone. 

And Changkyun just finds the whole situation funny. Back to United States, he found two pretty girls he dated seriously for over a year each one, and a cute American guy with beautiful blue eyes and hair as golden as the sun, he took to a first date but sadly a second one never happened, he didn’t find it good being in  _ that _ way with any other guy. He had sex lots of times, he went to parties, he tasted alcohol and cigarettes even although hates them deeply after the first time. He did so many things in those years, he matured a lot in such short amount of time and he still thinks he’s very smart for his age. Changkyun’s an adult now, there’s no any doubt of it.

Then why does he still feel like that little ten year old kid experiencing jealousy for the first time, or that fourteen year old inexperienced kid kissing his long time crush for the first time, or that fifteen year old kid feeling the pain of the rejection for the first time from the man he loved most. 

And even after all those years he never experienced any other love as strong as the one he felt for Kihyun. Right now he feels as if those years never happened and the one sitting in this damn car is still that stupid little kid waiting for Kihyun to arrive home to greet him, only to feel his heart being crushed when a new guy or girl is next to him and Kihyun’s introducing him as a new lover. 

  
  
  


The rest of the travel was awkwardly silent for him and the guy called Hoseok, and as soon as the car stopped Changkyun climbed down and rushed to his house in a blink, after thanking the two elder men of course. 

Currently he’s trapped inside another tight hug, but now it’s his mom and seriously, Changkyun’s hugging her equally tight or possibly even more considering her small stature and slim body. He missed her so much and almost feels like a dream being reunited with the person who gave birth to him. 

“Aww, my baby boy! You grew up so well! Look at you! You are a handsome man now!”   

“Mom pleaseeee, I’m not a baby boy anymore!”

“You’re my only child Changkyun, you’re always gonna be my baby boy.” – His mom pats his bum, hurrying him to go upstairs – “Now, go and take a bath. You  might be a man but I don’t want you to smell like a sweaty one.”

“Mom!”

Even though Changkyun complained and whined all the way up to the bathroom the hot water helped his aching muscles to relax and after drying his hair and dressing in some of his new pajamas, Changkyun walks to his old room. Everything looks the same as he left it, the same books, the same videogames, even the same spongebob bed covers and the same puppy plushie he used to sleep with.  

Changkyun throws his whole weight to the recently made bed, hugging the stuffed animal hard against his chest and sighs with joy when he smells the aroma of his mom’s usual detergent. 

He’s at home. 

And Kihyun’s as beautiful as always.

  
  
  


“Changkyunnie!! Come!! Dinner is ready!!” 

Changkyun hears the voice of his mom from afar but his eyelids feel heavy and his body feels like a rock and couldn't react even if he tried. He’s very tired and food right now doesn’t sound as appealing for the young boy as sleep. He just wants his well deserved rest but his mom’s calls become each time louder, closer to his room.

Thinking his mom will be all over him anytime soon, Changkyun rolls around facing the wall and covers his face with the blanket like a stubborn kid. As he suspected, the door opens and closes again almost immediately, delicately, as though trying to make the least noise possible. 

Still, Changkyun makes no move to get out of the bed, tightening the grip he has on the blanket. His mom walks through the room until she’s right beside him. Changkyun growls, annoyed when she climbs on the bed as well but relaxes immediately as gentle hands come to caress his head in a lovely manner.

Changkyun enjoys the little gesture, letting go of the piece of cloth and sighing in happiness when she leans in to plant a little peck in Changkyun’s check. Okay, maybe he’s acting a little bratty right now but thanks to the heavens his mom is being so patient with him. 

Changkyun feels a little pang of guilt in his chest thinking of the long years his mom has been alone and now that she’s finally having her son with her, he’s acting like a kid and ignoring her. 

The young boy turns around to meet her eyes and apologize, but his words die in his throat when he recognizes the figure next to him. Not matter if it’s still dark and the sleepy state he’s in is still clouding his sight a little bit, Changkyun’s brain can still identify the person with him in bed is a man. And not any man but  _ Yoo Kihyun _ himself.

“W-What are you doing here?”

The black haired man turns around once again, but now it’s for the only reason to avoid the man behind him and the weird reaction his heart is having. Kihyun, however, doesn’t pay attention to the apparent rejection Changkyun’s giving him, taking the blanket as well and putting the younger in an awkward little spoon position. Or it’s awkward only for Changkyun, he guesses, as Kihyun sighs in happiness when the space between them lowered considerably.

“Waking you up, dummy.”

Changkyun tries to ignore how the affection of his voice is making him feel  _ things _ again. But he doesn’t have the strength to push Kihyun away, as the comfort and familiarity of the warmth pressing against his back is almost making Changkyun incredibly happy as well.

He really,  _ really  _ missed this. 

He really,  _ really _ missed Kihyun.

“T-that’s not what I mean.”

“Your mom invited me over for dinner.”

_ ‘Ugh mom…’  _

The younger wanted to curse but he dropped every single grumpy gesture as soon as Kihyun tightened the grip his arms had over Changkyun’s tummy, pulling his body so close against him until his breath was hitting the younger’s neck. And it’s like if the tiredness has left his body alongside his soul as Changkyun lies unmoving between his arms.

“I missed you, Kyunnie.” 

Changkyun bites his lips to not let out any sound, but those words are whispered oh so tenderly against his neck, before pressing a gentle peck over the nude skin, causing him a mini heart attack and an inner gay panic into Changkyun’s head. 

Kihyun, however, pulls completely away, too soon for the younger’s taste. And even now after Changkyun let go an embarrassing little disappointed noise from the back of his throat, he doesn’t want to admit he was actually enjoying his company and touches.

“C’mon, food is ready. Your mom cooked lasagna and we both know how much you love it.”

“Not hungry.” 

But exactly like his heart, his stomach decides to betray him as well in the most inappropriate moment and the sound it lets go is almost humiliating. Kihyun, however, chuckles tenderly, helping Changkyun up too.

“Whatever you say, stubborn baby boy.”

As Kihyun drags Changkyun into his feet and out of the room, the younger boy can’t help but stare at their intertwined hands. The heat of Kihyun’s considerably smaller fingers feel so good wrapped around his hand and Changkyun smiles timidly because that seems the place his hand always want to be. 

But the illusion is broken once again by the same person. 

“Ki! I thought you have fallen asleep with him!” 

Changkyun’s heart clenches again when the blush creeps into Kihyun’s cheeks. It’s a pretty shade of pink but it hurts to know he’s not the cause of it. And seeing the purple haired man hitting Hoseok’s shoulder saying ‘Shut up, idiot.’ with a smile that can only be described as ‘in-love’ just make the jealousy in Changkyun’s stomach, boil in anger. 

“Kkung, I think I haven’t introd---”

“I already know who he is.”

The harsh tone startles the two elder men, but Changkyun doesn’t stay to see the clear hurt in the purple haired man’s face or the surprised one in his boyfriend one. 

He walks to the dinner room and slips into his usual chair, immediately rubbing the back of his hands against his eyes, trying to brush away the sleepiness alongside the tears. 

Not long later the two men skip as well into the dinner room, and while Kihyun decides to sit next to Changkyun, Hoseok decides to sit in front of him. Changkyun ignores Kihyun’s attempts to create a conversation between them, leaving him with short hateful answers and filling the awkwardness talking with Hoseok.

After few minutes, his mom puts the plates with the food already served and it’s like if life has came into Changkyun’s body once again, digging into the food as a homeless kid. Changkyun ignores the others’ gazes on him as he eats the food desperately, he almost forgot how the food of his mom tastes but for real, she’s the best cook of the world for him. 

The second place could go directly to Kihyun, in Changkyun’s humble opinion.

It’s not a secret to anyone how hungry Changkyun was, but Kihyun semi-panics when he sees the younger start coughing, passing him a glass of water immediately and patting his back as if he was still a baby.

“Slow down a little, Kkung.”

As Changkyun regains his composure he notices the whole table staring at him in, his cheeks turning in a dark scarlet red. He decides to focus his attention on the water instead, as right now it seems to be the most interesting thing in the world for him, while in his mind he’s planning to dig a hole in his backyard and bury himself alive there. Kihyun, as Changkyun notices, is making an awful job hiding his teasing smile, and knowing the elder man, he knows it’s hard for Kihyun to control his desire to mock at Changkyun. Changkyun appreciates his silence though.

“So… How was United States, Changkyun-ah?”

Changkyun turns to glare at the elder man, but noticing the innocence and sweetness in his face, his anger lowered a bit. The man in front of him hasn’t done anything wrong, the only thing he has done over the years is loving Kihyun in the way Changkyun would’ve wanted to do. The look of Hoseok’s face, the gentle actions he has witnessed that day, the way he treats Kihyun, the way he smiles at Kihyun, the way  _ Kihyun _ smiles at  _ him _ …

Why is Changkyun being so harsh with the man that makes the love of his life so happy? Changkyun thought he was better than that.

“It was… fine I guess. At first it was a little bit difficult, you know language and culture but it got better as time passed.”

And it hurts how evident is the happiness in the other’s face with the simple achievement of Changkyun talking back to him. Damn, he’s like a real puppy. An overgrown, with a lot of muscles puppy.

“So, are you planning to continue studying there or move back here?”

Even though Hoseok is the one asking, Changkyun notices his mom and Kihyun are the most interested in his answer, making him a little bit nervous as his words may not be what they’re waiting to hear.

“I-I’m not sure yet.”

And despite the sad sigh Kihyun unconsciously let go, his disappointed is covered easily by a wide smile a second later.

“Regardless of what you choose to do, you know we are here to support you, Kyunnie.”

And finally Changkyun smiles, a long, full teeth, real one, wide enough to show those irresistible dimples he knows Kihyun’s weak for, his stomach this time is dancing happily and his heart almost breaking his ribs from how fast and hard it is beating. As he suspected, the purple haired man can’t avoid the sight and pinches those adorable cheeks he’s been dying to fondle the whole day. And this time Changkyun lets him, even leaning in the touch unconsciously.

But their moment is interrupted by the elder man’s laugh and while Changkyun spins around to stare at him with confusion, Kihyun sends him one of his most frightening glares.

“I-I’m sorry, Ki.” – Hoseok says between giggles, he doesn’t seem really regretful at all – “But that would’ve sounded really cool if your face weren’t covered with sauce.”

As Kihyun’s face turns crimson with embarrassment, Hoseok picks a tissue and like the good boyfriend he seems to be and carefully cleans the shorter man’s cheeks. His actions, his eyes, the affection between them,  _ they’re so in love _ .

And it hurts. 

“I’m done with the food, mom. Thank you for the dinner.”

As he tries to get up, a nervous hand holds onto his sleeve, tugging him to sit again in the chair and when Changkyun finally meets its owner’s eyes, the younger feels his heart dropping somewhere near the floor. The pain, the disappointed, they’re something Changkyun can see in anyone but  _ this _ man – “D-Do you hate it t-that much?”

Changkyun arks an eyebrow, not really understanding what the elder is talking about but Kihyun whispers a painful “Being in the same room than me…” Changkyun feels like those words slashed his chest with a knife and split his heart in two.

Despite the pain in his gut, Changkyun takes his hand away, shaking his head without looking at the purple haired man, and walks out of the dinner room not sparing a second glance behind him.

But as soon as he enters in his room, he looks for something desperately into his luggage and when he finds it, runs into the dinner room again, now holding the item out to Kihyun to take.

Changkyun notices how his brown orbs lightened up and brightens in happiness when he sees that stupid stuffed hamster holding a US flag, wearing a shirt and a hat with the same colors. Changkyun bought it a year ago in a gift store and thought immediately of Kihyun. He wasn’t planning giving it to the elder anytime, since he slept with the stuffed animal by his side since that day. But now gifting it to him seemed to be the most appropriate thing to do and he doesn’t know why. But something behind his mind told him so and seeing now how Kihyun’s mood improved, the action is totally worthy.

Kihyun stands up and throws himself into Changkyun’s arms with no warning, showing him how a simple act makes him so stupidly happy. And unlike before, this time Changkyun’s prepared and wraps his arms around his back in a friendly hug. 

Changkyun, at last, makes his decision. He’ll get over those feelings as soon as he can or at least lock them inside one more time. He won’t hurt Kihyun again, he just can’t see those sad eyes and live peacefully knowing he’s the one making a person as precious as Kihyun so miserable. He’ll be happy Kihyun already found the person he loves. He’ll support his relationship wholly, he’ll see him being loved by someone else and in a future maybe they can recover their friendship again and maybe Changkyun will be Kihyun’s adopted kids’ godfather. 

But tonight is not  _ that _ night and Changkyun’s not ready to let him go. 

The raven clutches onto him a little bit longer, as those years apart he has been craving this and finally breaks the embrace. Kihyun’s staring at him with stars dancing in his eyes and a smile that finally only belongs to Changkyun and even if he tries to smile back, his little gesture seems more like a sad grimace than an actual smile, and he knows it because Kihyun’s happiness drops immediately, now showing a face full of worry – “Chang-”

“Goodnight hyung, mom, Hoseok-ssi.” – And runs all stairs up until his room. 

 

~*~

 

“… and I swear Im  _ fucking _ Changkyun I’m going to rip your throat out…”

“Taehyung please, your explicit language isn’t welcome here.”

“I missed you idiot, and how  _ dare _ you come back without telling anyone, without telling  _ me. _ ”

Changkyun sighs on the phone after at least half an hour of hearing empty threats. His old childhood friend has been insulting him non-stop since he discovered Changkyun’s back and there’s no way to cool him down a little bit to at least greet him properly after years apart and Changkyun’s growing tired. Tired and late.

“I told you Tae, I wasn’t planning come back so soon, I just told my mom…”

“As if I care! You should’ve told your mom, then Jungkook and me, I don’t care if I would’ve known last but you didn’t considerer me at all!” 

“I’m sorry Tae! I’m really really sorry, please forgive me! I’ll make it for you, I promise.” – And as always, Changkyun gives in even though he doesn’t think he did something wrong. But again, he can’t fight against his friend. Not matter if Taehyung is the elder between them, he just acts like a kid, a cute one too, and he has Changkyun eating from his hand as soon as the younger hears him sobbing. Like right now.

“I-It’s okay Kyunnie, but only because I want to see you. Can you come over? I’m with Jungkook now…”

“Sorry Tae, I’m in my way to Jooheon’s house.”

“HOW DARE YOU, I’M GONNA KILL YOU IN YOUR SLEEP…”

And Changkyun hangs up. Then turns off his phone and finally leaves his house with precaution, hoping he won’t meet him even by accident. He loves Taehyung to death, the taller man is nice, friendly and a little bag of walking adorableness but he’s also weird and scary when he’s angry and if he’s half as annoyed as he sounds, Changkyun should be looking for a hole to bury his dead body.  

“ _ Kkukkungie _ ~” – Changkyun yelps, scared when someone whispers right into his ear, taking the young man totally off guard, his whole body shaking for the sudden surprise and turning around to at least hit the cause of his semi-heart attack as hard as the irritation growing in him.

His actions, however, stopped midway completely noticing behind him is none other that the one and only  _ Yoo Kihyun _ , holding a devilish grin as if he knows exactly the effect he has over Changkyun and how his heart stopped beating some seconds ago. Changkyun bets, however, the elder doesn’t know how his soul came back into his body when his mischievous grin is replaced with a beautiful wide smile. 

“Surprised?”

“You scared the shit out of me, hyung!”

“Then, I archived my objective.” 

And the evil laugh the ‘elder’ lets go makes Changkyun’s lips tug in an unwanted half-smile. The black haired man tries to cover his mouth with one of his hands but his efforts are meaningless as Kihyun caught the smile he was trying to hide completely. The hand that he was trying to move gets trapped in Kihyun’s and while he raises his gaze to meet the elder’s eyes with an arched eyebrow and inquisitive eyes, the elder is already smiling again and tugging at his hand signaling Changkyun to follow him.

“Walk with me, Kkung.”

“Can’t. I’m on my way to…”

“Please?” – And now after so many years Changkyun understands what Kihyun meant with ‘irresistible puppy eyes’, as the elder is presenting one of the cutest faces Changkyun has ever seen and the hope dancing in his eyes makes Changkyun’s stomach twitch in a way the younger can’t describe. 

They’re so beautiful. Pleading and beautiful and irresistible and impossible to say no to.

“Just for a little bit. Jooheon is waiting for me, I can’t stand him up, you know how he is.” 

A little bubbling feeling hoists up in his chest hearing Kihyun laughing so freely, as if the previous night and the previous years never happened. 

Changkyun stares once again at their hands. Kihyun’s holding onto him as if he’s scared Changkyun may run away if he doesn’t, and despite his mind screaming at him to find a safe place away from the elder, a place where he can save his heart for any further pain, his heart, on the other hand, seems it doesn’t want to be saved; it wants to stay right there next to Kihyun and cling to him. 

And it’s clearly comforting how ‘Kihyun and Changkyun’ walking together, hand in hand, around a street full of their neighbors. It’s so familiar, as this is the way they were always supposed to be. As if despite the huge distance this world holds, their place is next to each other. 

They talk. After Changkyun made his decision the previous night, it’s easier for him to open up a little bit with the elder. They may be having a small talk he could have with someone who means nothing, or someone that means his world, and seeing Kihyun making a big effort to get closer to him, warms his pretend-to-be cold heart.

When Changkyun crosses the street corner he realizes the place Kihyun’s dragging him into. The small and a little lonely park their neighborhood has always had. And as they’re entering a bunch of memories come into Changkyun’s mind as most of his childhood years were spent here. With Kihyun specifically.

“So…” – Kihyun starts, attracting Changkyun’s attention back to him and taking it away from the place their bodies are connected,  _ again _ – “Did you like it?”

Changkyun tilts his head as a confused puppy and still after so many years, Kihyun seems to understand every single of his gestures – “America, I mean.”

“Well, yeah. It was a nice place. The streets are beautiful, and the landscapes are even prettier. My school was really nice, my teachers understood my situation and helped me a lot with my classes. But when hyungs Namjoon, Yoongi and Hoseok came into my life, everything was better, they were also transferred Korean students and thankfully Namjoon was my roommate so he showed me around...But he’s crazy, hyung! If you know what he did…” 

Changkyun stops when he realized he let himself go and talked as if Kihyun was still his best friend and not the man he’s in-love with, but as soon as words weren’t coming from the younger’s mouth, the elder spins his head to glance at the black haired man and when he sees Changkyun biting his lower lip, he asks with a worried voice – “Changkyun?”

“S-Sorry, I started babbling.”

“I asked Kyun. You can tell me whatever you want, you know all ears.”

“T-Thank you, hyung. But yes, I liked it there.”

“What did you like the most, then?”

Changkyun thinks seriously before replying to that. He liked USA, he liked his dorm, and his friends. And girls are beautiful over there, and the economy is good too, he liked his part-time job in a coffee shop, his employers, even his customers, he liked everything, but if he summarizes all in a word, then it may be…

“Their society. Over there people are more open-minded than here. Over there I could get to know myself better without the judging eyes of the society. I experience things that are still looked down on here, I discovered and learnt stuff about life and about myself I wouldn’t know if I was here in Korea. That’s what I liked the most.”

“And what did you discover, Changkyun?”

Changkyun bites his lower lip again, a gesture Kihyun knows means the younger is thinking hard over something or he doesn’t want to answer that question.

Changkyun sighs and takes a long breath before talk again - “That I was an immature kid when I left and I didn’t know anything about the hardship of life. That I thought I could die for something so small as an unrequited love when there are a million of possibilities more I could take. That I might love, suffer, cry and recover myself without pushing the whole blame in one person. That someone might love me, suffer, cry because of me and I need to learn to accept I might be at fault too.”

“Changkyun…”

“I guess I learnt that life is something more than a simple fairy tale, that I need to work hard to get what I want, and if what I want is not for me, I need to accept that and possibly learn how to forgive.”

“Kyun…”

“I learnt that I’m different than most people of my age, and even if I’m teased by it sometimes, I learnt that that’s okay and there’s nothing wrong with me.”

“T-that’s good Kyunnie.”

“But I needed to come back to Korean to understand that I may learn things, but learning and putting it in practice are two completely different things. That I may have a lot of acknowledgement over something, but thinking and feeling are two different things. That sometimes I over-think and sometimes I over-feel.”

“And when you look at me?”

“When I look at you, I over-feel,” – Kihyun stands still in the middle of the park, staring at Changkyun as if the straightforwardness of his answer took him by surprise, but well, Changkyun learnt over the years to express better and be sincere about his feelings too - “When I’m in front of you I forget how to think and all I’m a capable to do is  _ feel _ . Sadly, sometimes  _ feelings _ aren’t all beautiful.”

“W-What do you mean?”

With his head Changkyun nods to a place between few trees, a little bit hidden but if you’re looking for it, you’ll find it right away - “Remember that place?”  

Changkyun notices Kihyun’s smiling a little bit as memories come into his mind and he can’t help but smile as well as the same moment flashes in his brain - “Yes…”

“That’s when we met.” – Kihyun nods, unconsciously squeezing Changkyun’s hand a little bit – “When I think about that place I feel sad and happy at the same time. Sad because that’s the place my dad and I used to play every Sunday before he left, but also that’s the place when I first saw the kid who became someone really important to me.”

Changkyun can’t help but notice the pretty blush creeping up in Kihyun’s cheeks and smiles to himself because that’s an effect he thought he didn’t have over his older friend, but noticing Kihyun’s out of words he decides to go on with his idea.

“Every important memory comes with a feeling and when I look at you I remember since the moment we first met until the last moment we spent together.”

Kihyun gulps nervously and if he’s thinking in the same moment that Changkyun, the younger may perhaps relate with the sudden sadness overpowering his eyes, because that’s the same he’s feeling right now, a little bit more as that’s the day when his heart stopped beating the same way – “When I look at you I  _ feel  _ all I’ve felt over the years. The happiness, the sadness, the annoyance and also the  _ love.  _ As I said, not everything is good, but also, not everything is bad. But it’s confusing to  _ feel _ everything at the same time, and I even sometimes feel overwhelmed only looking at you.”

“And right now?”

“Right now? Right now I’m looking at you and I’m looking at the person who used to be with me when I was growing. But hyung, right now you’re someone I don’t know, you’re a person with whom I used to share memories together...”

“I want to change that, Kkung. I don’t want to be someone that only lives in your memories.” 

As Kihyun spoke, he lets his hand go and instead cups Changkyun’s cheeks, pressing his foreheads together and even if Changkyun knows what the elder is trying to do, and knows he’s trying to cling onto an action they used to do years ago and brought happiness into Changkyun’s heart, the younger stops him, planting his hands as well over Kihyun’s and holding onto them without separating their foreheads. Their breathing is mixing together and even if Kihyun’s smell is driving Changkyun crazy, the younger tries to control himself before doing something he shouldn’t right now.

“Maybe you should also try to think what you said before hyung, because I’m not the same kid who got attached to your legs years ago. I’ve changed and I’m not sure if you’re ready to take responsibilities for your words.”

“What if I am?” 

Changkyun can sense the little defying tone behind his words. And he knows Kihyun’s seriously using the heart on his sleeve and saying whatever he thinks Changkyun might want to hear to make him stay, and even knowing this, and knowing he shouldn’t take advantage of the situation, his eyes dare to look down at the two rosy petals that are Kihyun’s lips. 

It’s impossible for Changkyun to stop himself before moving his head an inch closer to Kihyun’s and seeing the elder not stirring away, he moves a little bit closer. He can almost savor the moment, his heart could almost explode of contentment just thinking about how close Changkyun’s lips are to achieving something the younger man has been craving almost his whole life. Of course without counting that time Kihyun drunk-kissed him. 

And when he’s a millimeter away from fulfilling that wish, a voice he’s starting to seriously hate stops his actions, pulling the elder fully away from his body and almost glaring at the man running in their direction completely oblivious of his surrender.

“Kihyunnie, I finally found you!” 

And Changkyun swear he’s not imagining Kihyun cursing his boyfriend between his teeth.  

As soon as the taller man is close he wraps his arms around the purple haired man’s shoulders, pulling him in an awkward back hug, or that’s what Changkyun thinks, as Kihyun seems a little bit pissed while trying to push away Hoseok’s arms off of him.

Changkyun smiles all the way through his sadness, because even if Kihyun’s the man he has loved the most during his whole life, he can’t deny either they look devastatingly good together, and seeing Hoseok tightening his hold only to tease the shorter man more, it’s obvious they’re made for each other. 

“See Kihyun? You should think better before you talk.”

Despite his words, Changkyun’s still smiling, showing him this time he’s not pissed for the unspoken rejection and bids his farewell to the taller man who is looking between them with curiosity, wondering if he would find an answer between the two younger men. But there’s none and without wasting a second more, Changkyun turns around to leave the park.

“C-Changkyun, w-wait…”

“C’mon hyung. He’s waiting for you and Jooheon is waiting for me. We can meet another day, right?” – He says with a wide smile, one that takes Kihyun a little aback, but smiles shyly back.

“O-Of course. Promise?”

“Promise.”

And Changkyun finally leaves with the promise flying between them, one that won’t be kept. The smile he was holding fading little by little and with it, fat tears falling down his cheeks and dropping to the floor. 

The visit to Jooheon’s house gets cancelled by a text, despite his words and despite his actions, Changkyun still is not ready. Why it is so difficult to move on? Maybe because he spent a lifetime loving Kihyun, so it would take a lifetime more to learn how to forget him and still he thinks he will keep loving Kihyun until his last breath.

His legs feel like jelly walking all the way back to his house. His brain feels drained and at the same time filled with so much information, information he definitely doesn’t want to know, doesn’t want to  _ think.  _ Hoseok’s in-love with Kihyun and Kihyun’s in love with him and they’re a couple made in the heaven. Many thoughts of Kihyun and Hoseok fill his head and his legs feel numb as they try to carry him home.

As soon as the door of his house is closed, locked for the darkness and loneliness to receive him, Changkyun lets go a heavy sigh and then a cry rips out of his throat. He doesn’t have any more strength left to carry himself up to his room, so he slides his back down the door, right onto the ground and curls himself there, and sobs. 

He did it, he talked with Kihyun about what he’s feeling, what he  _ felt  _ and he almost  _ kissed _ him. 

“Kyunnie?” – The voice of his mom startled the young man, thinking she wouldn’t be at home at this hour but as soon as the warmness of her arms is around him, Changkyun lets it go. 

“Baby, please, don’t cry and tell me what’s wrong.”

“M-mom… I’m… in… love… and it hurts.”

“Love doesn’t hurt Kyunnie, love is the most beautiful feeling in this world.”

“It isn’t when the person you love doesn’t love you back.”

Changkyun’s mom sighs, moving her hand to caress his hair and Changkyun lets go another broken sob – “Did you tell  _ him _ ? Did you tell  _ Kihyun _ ?”

“I-I did a-and h-he — d-did you know?”

“I’m your mom, Changkyun, I know everything.”

“I-I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. But if you ask for my advice, you should tell Kihyun directly what you feel before you take  _ this _ decision alone.”

“You do really know  _ everything _ , huh?”

“Of course.”

 

~*~

 

Changkyun doesn’t talk with Kihyun though.

It’s not in his plan avoid the elder man, but life happened. Or maybe Changkyun really is inside his mind trying to escape any other confrontation. 

With his clothes packed again inside his luggage, plane tickets already bought and University already chosen, Changkyun has little time to catch up with old friends. Including Kihyun.

Taehyung’s the first one to disagree with Changkyun’s decision, Hoseok and Yoongi don’t seem  _ that _ happy Changkyun’s planning to go back to America for the next five years either, Jooheon doesn’t want to talk with him  _ at all _ and he knows his mom still cries during the nights when she thinks he’s not listening, despite always offering him a smile and supportive words in the mornings.

Changkyun promised his mom to at least stay two weeks in Korea before departing, and he hasn’t talked with Kihyun at all in the whole week and five days. As Changkyun already said, he’s not avoiding the purple haired man but if someone asks if he wants to see him, Changkyun doesn’t need to think a lot to say no. 

“Kyunnie! I need to go back to work, those incompetents can’t stay a whole day without ruining something!”

Changkyun hears his mom complaining as she runs all the way down the stairs with her high heels in her hands, her skirt a mess as well as her blouse. If he wasn’t too focused in the TV show he was trying to watch, the whole scene happening next to him would be very funny.

“Order some pizza or whatever you want to eat, I don’t think I’ll get home until late at night.” – His mom shouts from the door and after an affirmative noise from the younger man, she slams the door shut and leaves without sparing a second glance at her son. 

The idea of eating pizza is very appealing to the hungry man, and finally chasing the laziness out of his body Changkyun looks for his phone to call Jooheon and a pizza place, but before he could go to his room and find the place he threw his phone, the ring of his door sounds and thinking it may be any of his friends, he opens it.

“Hi.” – Changkyun blinks twice still not believing who is the person standing in front of him but as soon as the person spoke, Changkyun is agonizingly aware of the disastrous state his pajamas and hair are in. It’s a lazy Sunday and if he’s totally honest, Kihyun’s the last person he thought would be visiting him that day. 

“Kihyun?” 

“Who else if not me?” – Kihyun chuckles humorlessly Changkyun notices, in addition he also notices his swollen red eyes carrying dark circles under them, as if the purple haired man hasn’t been sleeping for a few days.

And he thinks bitterly, even like this, Kihyun’s still beautiful.

“What can I do for you, hyung?” – His tone is polite and smile friendly, despite the intense desire to go running to his room and change into more appropriate clothes than a pair of shorts and some old t-shirt, or close the door in Kihyun’s face in defeat, but there’s no way the younger would do something as heartless as that.

“Can I come in?” – Changkyun considers saying no, but those puppy eyes again are making it impossible for him to do something like that. So he nods and opens the door wider for Kihyun to enter in. 

“Please excuse the state of my living room, as well as the mess I am right now. I wasn’t expecting visitors right now.”

“I-I’m sorry for the inconvenience, and inviting myself in without calling you first.”

“No problem, Ki.” 

Changkyun leads the elder to said messy living room and makes space for Kihyun on the couch. As soon as his visitor is sitting, Changkyun walks to the kitchen to pick a couple of soda cans, some snacks and goes back to where he left Kihyun some seconds ago. He’d rather die than be a bad host. 

“Are you watching Hello Counselor?”

“That is it name? I just put the first thing on the TV and I got enchanted.”

“I know what you mean, it’s one of my favorite shows.”

It is nice. Just the two of them together, eating and laughing about silly jokes, enjoying each other’s warmth and talking as if nothing is pressuring them, as if nothing is hurting them. 

Sadly, the fantasy is broken when Kihyun takes the remote control and turns the TV off, sitting facing Changkyun and waiting for the younger to do the same. Changkyun sighs and does what the elder’s waiting for him to do, feeling his stomach twist when he sees the seriousness in the elder’s eyes.

“Answer me honestly please, are you avoiding me?” 

“No.” – Changkyun replies almost immediately, but as soon as he bites his bottom lip and looks away, it’s obvious to the elder Changkyun  _ is _ lying.

“Why?”

“I said no!” – Kihyun arches an eyebrow in the way Changkyun knows is trying to say ‘ _I’m seeing through your_ _lies’_ so he sighs and nods, feeling a little bit guilty seeing the hurt flashing on Kihyun’s features for a millisecond – “I’m sorry, I’m just trying to behave myself before I leave. I don’t want to leave with you hating me.”

“I wouldn’t ever hate you, Changkyun.”

“You would if I do what I want to do.”

Kihyun gulps nervously, and seeing the red in his cheeks Changkyun realizes he understood exactly what he meant. Thankfully.

“We need to talk Changkyun. Without interruptions, without rush, only you and me, and I need you to open up to me, please.”

“Sure, but if you ask, be sure you’re ready to hear what I have to say. Are you, Kihyun?”

If Changkyun’s still as good at reading Kihyun as before, he can see the change in Changkyun’s straightforwardness still surprises Kihyun, which if he’s honest is kind of cute - “I am.”

“Then ask. I’ve been ready for years.” 

Seeing the hesitance in Kihyun’s pursed lips, Changkyun waits patiently until the elder can form the phrase and speak it out loud - “Are you really leaving?”

“Yes.”

“Why?”

“I need to find my place and I feel like my place is not here.”  _ ‘It’s not by your side…’ _

“Were you planning to leave without telling me?”

“Do you think I’m capable to do something like that?”

“You didn’t bid me goodbye last time, Changkyun.” – ‘ _ touché’ _

As Kihyun states that, his tone becomes a little bit colder than the one Changkyun’s used to. Observing the elder, he doesn’t look mad or pissed, Kihyun looks sad, disappointed, maybe as if something important has been ripped from his hands and there’s nothing he could do to stop it. ‘ _ It may be?’ _ Changkyun thinks with a little bit of hope but shakes his head, pushing that thought away as fast as it came. Of course he isn’t  _ that _ important. 

“I tried, when I went to visit you in your college, I was looking for an answer, and when I got what I needed I tried to say goodbye. You were busy, though.”

“You didn’t tell me you were moving away.”

“Well, I thought you wouldn’t care.” 

For a brief moment Changkyun swears he saw fury in his eyes, but it’s gone as fast as it came. 

“I  _ did _ care, Changkyun. You never understood how important you are to me? You were my special boy.” 

“That’s the thing hyung, I didn’t want you to see me as a boy, I wanted you to see me as a man. I didn’t want to be your special boy, I wanted to be your boyfriend.”

Kihyun looks speechless, or that’s what Changkyun thinks as his eyes become as round as two plates. Obviously he’s not used to Changkyun being so sincere about his feelings or talking about that night so openly and it’s not like Changkyun finds it any easier either, but right now he just wants to leave everything clear between Kihyun and him since he has the opportunity.

“I’m sorry, Kyun.”

“I know you are, but it’s okay.”

An awkward silence falls between them for some seconds. Kihyun doesn’t find the correct words to talk and Changkyun waits patiently until the elder decides what else he wants to say. 

Changkyun chuckles bitterly when a memory came into his mind, attracting the attention of the elder back to him - “Can I tell you something, hyung? I don’t know if this is the last time we’ll see each other, but there’s something I want to tell you. It’s silly but please don’t laugh at me.”

As soon as Kihyun nods, Changkyun smiles again. It’s not a fake one he would make to cover his true feelings. It’s genuine, remembering the fool boy he used to be – “I always related you with the sky.”

“Excuse me?”

“Shh, listen until the end,  _ idiot _ .” – Kihyun seems ready to insult him back, but holds his tongue and simply nods, waiting for him to say whatever he wanted to say and explain what he meant with such statement – “When I was a five, I used to think my life was like the night, dark and lonely, only waiting for something good to happen someday. When I met you, I saw you as my moon, a full round one shining brightly in the dark night. For me you were that ‘something good’ I was waiting for, and without even trying, you became the light in my life. I  _ needed _ you Kihyun, a lot.”

“Kyunnie…”

“Shh!” – Changkyun glares at the elder, but softened his gaze remembering what he wanted to say and smiles at the memory again. It is throbbing in his heart, but somehow, it’s also beautiful – “When I was ten, I started relating you with the  _ sun _ . Always glowing, always bringing light into everyone’s life, not only mine. You were so brilliant and pure Kihyun, you attracted whoever you wanted only with your smile. When I looked at you I was almost blinded from how shiny you were. I  _ admired _ you Kihyun, a lot.

When I was fourteen I started relating you with the clouds. Always there, always standing out, I could appreciate your beauty every day and every night, but I couldn’t touch you. So unreachable for me. Every time I tried to get closer to you, you would dance away from me each time. And even like that, I  _ loved _ you Kihyun, a lot.”

“But Changkyun, I’m not a moon, or a sun, or a cloud, even if you didn’t know you could touch me, I wasn’t unreachable.”

“You were for me.”

“B-but…”

“You’re curious why I left last time, right?” - As he sees Kihyun nodding, Changkyun doesn’t leave him an opportunity to talk, because he knows if Kihyun intertwines, he’ll lose his courage – “Remember what we talked about last time? About memories and feelings?” 

“I do.”

“When I confessed and you rejected me, every memory about you hurt. When we met, when we played, when you would take care of me or simply when you were next to me. Every place I went to made me think about you, even staying in my room was overwhelming and the single thought of you hurt…

And when I went to a new place where no one knew me, when everything was new to me, I thought I was able to move on. 

But still over there, at night when the only visible thing in the sky was the moon, I thought about you, or days when the sun was missing, I thought about you, or every single minute I looked at the sky I thought about you. Because even through the distance I knew we were under the same sky. And still a little inside of me was hoping you were looking at the sky at the same time and you would think about me and our moments together, and it hurt too, but for a totally different reason. Back then, it hurt whenever I remember about the time I spent with you, because I  _ missed _ you.”

“I t-thought you hate me.”

“I wouldn’t ever hate you, Kihyun.” – Changkyun repeats exactly the same words Kihyun said some minutes ago and the elder saw a little smile tugging in his lips but right now smiling back doesn’t seem that appropriate.  

“I know apologizing is meaningless right now, but I’m truly sorry for hurting you Changkyun.” 

“Remember the other thing I said to you? About me needing to move away?”

“I do.”

“When I moved away I also loved and also I was loved. I also hurt people’s feelings, something that wasn’t my intention but still I did it and that was awful from me. When I was over there I understood you loved me, that I was special to you, but sometimes you can’t force yourself to love someone only because they’re in-love with you. You loved me with everything you could but I was selfish enough to push my feelings onto you and didn’t accept the love you were giving to me. From the two of us, I am the one who should be apologizing.”

“Changkyun, that’s not...”

“When I came back I let my jealousy blind my judgment, I pushed you away only because I couldn’t see you being happy with other person. I hurt you even after accepting you would never feel the same for me a long time ago.”

“Changkyun, you matured a lot over the years, but you still need to learn how to listen other people.”

“Just let me tell you this last thing, okay? I-I don’t know if I’m capable to hold it back anymore and I don’t know if I’ll have the chance to do it after today. Let me explain why I acted the way I did and i-if you want to go, I’ll let you.”

“Okay.”

“Three weeks ago when I decided to come back here, I thought I was ready. I thought I was ready to face you, to see you with other people without feeling anything, I thought I could be able to look at you as only my friend and treat you in the way you should be treated. When I decided to come back I thought I buried my feelings in the deepest part of my soul…

Except that when I see you standing right there and when you hugged me, it’s like if every single neuron left my brain. I was  _ feeling _ again like a little kid, you made me  _ feel _ again, Kihyun. When I was still in America I thought the love I felt for you was only because of my memories, but when I saw you, you were exactly the same, with your smiles and your gestures, and you were  _ trying  _ and I was hurting you when I pushed you away. 

I realized I couldn’t hurt you Kihyun, not matter the years apart and the kilometers away, not matter the rejection or harsh words, no matter  _ the pain _ I felt, you are still important to me.

That’s why I’m leaving again Kihyun, I want to make you happy and while I’m still here you won’t be happy.”

“W-why you think that?!”

“Because hyung, I’m still in-love with you. I want to hug you, kiss you, I want to hold your hand and take you to silly dates, I want to be your support and your shoulder to cry, I want to hold you at night and make love to you, I want to love you and want to be loved by you, I want to make you happy Kihyun.

But now you have someone precious that you love and he loves you, and if he’ll treat you right and make all the things I wish I could, then I’m gonna back off, I’ll let you live your life with the person you choose and cheer for your happiness from a distance. 

And I know if I stay you would look for me, even if it’s difficult for me to accept you love me like a little brother, I already did, but I’ll keep pushing you away as a way to protect myself…”

As Changkyun talks, he looks down at the floor, trying to hold back the tears that are threatening to fall, but yelps with surprise when a broken sobs resounds the living room, lifting his gaze to stare at the purple haired man, and sees him trying to wipe his tears away but they keep falling. The sight alone is enough to make Changkyun forget anything else he has to say and immediately reaches for the elder man and pulls him into a hug. 

Kihyun doesn’t waste the opportunity to hide his face in the younger man’s chest and sobs, grabbing his shirt in a desperate hold and let Changkyun comfort him.

“D-Don’t cry, please hyung.”

“You’re a big idiot, you know that Im Changkyun?”

“I’ve heard that before…”

“D-Did you ever ask  _ me _ what I think before you go and make all these decisions by yourself?”

“I asked you four years ago. The last time I saw you.”

“Yes, and you were a kid Changkyun, I thought you were confused…”

“I wasn’t.”

“I know you weren’t, at least now I know and… Changkyun… I searched for you the next day and you didn’t answer me and when I went home that weekend you were already on the other side of the planet, I couldn’t call you or text you… and you didn’t come back anymore, and when I saw you again, you rejected me… and even now… Changkyun even now when I thought you would stay… that you would give me a chance… you’re moving away again! Why don’t you want to listen to me?! ”

“Kihyun?”

The elder, with his face blotchy red and puffy, straightened his back and holds Changkyun’s shoulders in a deathly tight grip and almost shouts at his face – “Changkyun, I don’t want you to leave, don’t you understand those years apart from you were destroying me? I missed you Changkyun and even after you were back I still missed you, you weren’t yourself! You didn’t let me talk to you, you were either angry at me or ignoring me or running away and that was destroying me!”

“That’s why I need…”

“No! I want you back Changkyun, with me! The only way you’ll make me happy is staying by my side!”

“I can’t do that hyung! Do you think it’s easy for me seeing you with Hoseok?”

“Hoseok? What he has to do with all this?”

“He’s your boyfriend right? The way you look at each other, hyung I can’t stand it!”

“Are you crazy?! Hoseok’s not my boyfriend! He’s not even gay Changkyun!”

_ ‘Wait what?’ _

“Wait what?”

“Hoseok’s not my boyfriend, I don’t have one Changkyun, or a girlfriend, or anything.” – It’s obvious for both of them, how long the breath Kihyun needs to take to relax himself is, and Changkyun’s speechless from the sudden confession, immobile without the need of Kihyun’s grip on him – “S-Since the day I-I kissed you… I realized no one else mattered, that I won’t ever want to kiss someone else other than  _ you _ .”

“Hyung, are you serious?”

“Changkyun, I am in-love with you. Even after you came back all mature and acting like an adult, I can still see the same boy I fell in-love with. And you are planning to leave, I don’t want you to do that!”

“A-re you s-serious?” – Changkyun repeats the same question still not believing his ears even though Kihyun almost shouted it at him few seconds ago.

Kihyun, noticing the same innocent puppy eyes the boy,  _ the man _ , in front of him has, smiles contently because this Changkyun, this shy adorable boy staring at him as if he was truly his sun, is the same person he fell in-love years ago.

“I can’t love anyone else but you, Changkyun. I’ve known for quite a while the only person I want to share memories with is you. Changkyun, I love you. Please, I know I’m late and I wasted so many years trying to fight against what I feel, but if you give me a chance I’ll love you in the way  _ you _ deserve to be loved, Changkyun.”

“A-are y-you sure?” – As soon as his voice broke with a sob, his shoulders started to shake slightly and Kihyun panics thinking he did or said something wrong. Changkyun tries to hide the tears covering his face with his hand but despite his attempts, Kihyun still can see the pain in his actions.

At first, seeing the man he loves falling apart before his eyes startled the elder man to death. He doesn’t know what he should do, comfort him or let him be, but noticing how his body is pulling him closer to the younger boy without his consent, he decides the second option is the best. Kihyun touches one of his folded legs to assure Changkyun he’s right there and he won’t leave his side under any circumstance. 

Changkyun uncovers his face and looks up to meet Kihyun’s worried gaze, and almost instantly shuffles closer to the purple haired man and wraps his arms around his shoulders. Even though the action almost stumbled them back onto the couch, Kihyun manages to regain his balance and secures Changkyun in his embrace, pulling him to sit in his lap while his arms circle his waist, holding him as closer to his body as he can.

“A-are you r-really serious? This is not a joke? Or a dream? Am I dreaming Kihyun? Tell me I’m not, because I don’t want to wake up anymore.” – The younger man begs between sobs into Kihyun’s shoulder, hands clutching around his back as he enjoys Kihyun’s palm caressing down his spine trying to calm him down.

“Changkyun, look at me.” - Kihyun won’t say it out loud, but he’s overjoyed all this fake mature façade started to dissipate second by second and leaving behind the boy that he once met. Changkyun’s eyes are red and puffy with cheeks tinted cherry and Kihyun wonders how often he has cried lately and wonders too if he looks the same. 

They may make a really dramatic picture right now.  

“Don’t abandon me, please Changkyun, I need you. My life lost its value without you by my side. Let me love you, please.” 

Changkyun’s left without words simply nodding at Kihyun’s request, moving back to bury his head into the elder man’s shoulder and finally fully enjoying the warmth his body has been craving for so long. 

It’s not until Changkyun’s completely soothed that he separates their bodies enough to look directly into Kihyun’s eyes. The elder is smiling again, but this time it’s a genuine pure one, with not secrets, nothing pressing him, like if any worry Kihyun ever had soared away from his body, and he looks simply too beautiful like this.

“Can I kiss you?” – Changkyun whispers so delicately almost an inch away from Kihyun’s lips, and that’s all the elder needs to close the distance himself. It’s soft, that’s what Changkyun can say. The _love_ and the _care_ Kihyun puts into the kiss is almost overwhelming him, the way Kihyun holds him, the way one of his hands tangles in his hair to pull him closer and deepen the kiss, the way the other grasps desperately at his shirt, and Changkyun can only shout in his mind _‘Finally’_

Finally Kihyun’s  _ his _ .

Finally Changkyun’s  _ his _ .

And finally they’re in the place they belong. 

Next to each other. 

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for read it ♡
> 
> Thank you so much to my beta reader @TinDragon for helping me ~
> 
> Want to talk or be mutuals? I'm always looking for Changki shippers in this big big world ~
> 
> Anyway, find me here: (twitter) @Moonlight2211_


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